


In Perspective

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-09-30
Updated: 2008-10-13
Packaged: 2019-01-19 14:25:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12412041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Lily Evans comes of age in a world where teenagers struggle to keep social, academic and family issues in balance, while a war rages on outside.  She is forced to question her opinions and perspectives as everyone and everything around her changes.  Or maybe she's the one who is changing...?  A exploration of Lily and the Marauders.





	1. Friendships and Responsibilities

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

A/N:  This story grew out of the scene in my one-shot "Rock Bottom," so go ahead and read that if you want a preview.  That scene will appear later, but it will be altered somewhat.  This is my first attempt at a multi-chaptered story, so bear with me, please!  I am also dialogue-phobic, so I am stepping way out of my comfort zone here...   That being said, feedback is a wonderful thing! :)  Thanks!

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

Lily Evans sat alone in the common room, watching the snow swirl outside the window from her comfortable seat near the fire. Textbooks, parchment and quills all lay on the table in front of her, bearing witness to her lengthy presence there. She was curled in the chair, a novel balanced on her knee, but it was the howling wind and drifting eddies of snow that held her attention. The final day of the Christmas holidays had arrived, and Lily reveled in the last hours of solitude before Gryffindor tower was once again full. 

Too soon, a steady stream of students began to trickle into the common room, their hair and cloaks wet from the storm outside. The younger students headed straight up to their dorms, wringing out each other’s robes, hats, and even hair in one poor first-year’s case. Lily heard the fifth-years already discussing schoolwork; she remembered how much closer the O.W.L.s seemed from this side of the holidays. A group of them sat at a table near her to discuss a transfiguration essay, but bubbly Benjy Fenwick first came to greet Lily, over-exuberant as always – despite his soaked hair, shoulders and shoes – before entering into the discussion. She chuckled as she watched him: no blizzard or looming exams could dampen his spirit. 

The portrait hole opened again, and Lily heard four voices any Gryffindor could immediately identify. She turned her head and watched Remus Lupin enter the common room, continuing his animated conversation with Sirius Black, who attempted to saunter debonairly across the room until Remus stuck out his foot and tripped him. Lily snorted, as did James Potter, who was following closely behind the pair. Sirius managed to prevent an undignified fall by flailing his arms wildly, and looked around the room as he regained his balance to see who had witnessed his mishap. 

“What’s the matter, hoping for a bigger audience?” chortled Remus, accompanied by James’ snickers. The fifth-years remained absorbed in their debate. 

Sirius smacked James on the arm and Remus upside the head. 

“What, fighting already? What did you do now, Padfoot?” sighed Peter Pettigrew, the last to climb through the portrait hole. 

“I didn’t start it this time!” protested Sirius. 

“Bet you deserved it, though,” was the retort from Peter. 

Sirius gaped as Remus grinned and shrugged at him. 

“He did,” James muttered to Peter as the group crossed the room and climbed the stairs. 

Lily rolled her eyes at their antics. There was no denying that they were entertaining. 

 

Alice Carter, a fellow sixth-year, was the next to arrive back in Gryffindor tower. She waved and exchanged a quick hello with Lily, but disappeared quickly up the girls’ staircase. Lily did not follow; she was not really in the mood for Frank stories. Returning to her novel, Lily had time to read only a paragraph before it was torn from her hands. She looked up into the familiar face of Caroline Jeffries before she was nearly suffocated by the combination of Caroline’s enthusiastic hug and a face-full of her extremely curly blonde hair. “Lily!” she squeaked, causing Benjy and two other fifth-years to look up from their essays. 

Lily smiled at her, still catching her breath. 

“How was your holiday? Please don’t tell me you spent it all alone here doing homework,” she said with a glance at Lily’s stack of books. 

Lily raised an eyebrow at her. “Of course not. We didn’t even have that much work to do.”

“Good, because I haven’t done it yet,” Caroline responded lightly, without a trace of remorse. 

She turned and her face changed as she looked right at Lily, who scowled, anticipating Caroline’s next words before they were voiced. 

“Um, Lily?” interrupted a hesitant voice from behind the chair. 

Lily looked up at Remus Lupin’s quizzical expression. 

“ _Damn_.” 

“Glad to see you, too, Evans,” came James Potter’s easy response. He sprawled in the chair next to hers and grinned at the two girls. “Nice socks. Er, you are under there, Evans, aren’t you? Hello?” She glared at him. “Oh yes, good! We can’t have poor Moony suffering through a prefect meeting alone...”

Lily did not deign to respond to his jibes as she crossed to the girls’ staircase calling, “Sorry, Remus, I forgot; I’ll just be a minute.”

Upstairs, she sighed as she quickly pulled off her fuzzy, offensively bright, striped socks, ridiculously oversized jumper, and favorite pair of almost-worn-out jeans, exchanging them for her usual school robes. She ran her fingers through her hair, unable to muster the energy to care about her appearance any further. Ignoring Alice’s questions about her frenzied pace, she rushed down the stairs to rejoin Remus. Prefect meetings always bordered on intolerable, and since this one had forced her to leave her comfortable clothes and her chair by the fire, essentially ruining her wonderfully relaxing, solitary day, she resented it more than usual, and she was determined to get it over with as quickly as possible. 

 

*******

 

The best thing – the only good thing, really - about being a prefect, Lily reflected as the meeting dragged on, was Remus. She had been surprised to find him such a kindred spirit when they had begun sharing duties the year before. Now, she couldn’t imagine not having him in her life. 

If she thought about it, Lily supposed she was fairly popular. Hopefully not like ‘those _popular_ girls’ Petunia used to speak of, sneering, but Lily had never lacked friends, and she was well-liked by nearly everyone, except those who could not look past her heritage. For all of the people surrounding her, though, Lily hardly felt close to anyone. 

That had changed when she met Remus. Not when she had technically ‘met’ him, of course; she had naturally known who he was for years, but in her own mind, she always referred to the time when she had gotten to know him as their meeting. Remus was easy to talk to: he was interesting and thoughtful; he made her think; he listened well and always had an intelligent response. He had gotten under her skin, had somehow led her to lower her guard and be herself, rather than the façade she usually presented to the world, and she loved every moment she spent in his presence. Their friendship became a haven for her, her escape from the friends with whom she normally surrounded herself, not a secret, but something she never discussed. 

 

Lily jerked upright suddenly, starting out of her reverie, and felt the eyes of the room on her. She squirmed in her chair and rubbed her upper arms, deciding to pass it off as a shiver. 

“Er, sorry... Erm, it’s – it’s a little chilly...” she stammered at Head Girl Emmeline Vance, who had barely noticed, and immediately returned to her endless monologue on whatever it was that she had been talking about. 

Lily tuned her out again and turned her attention to Remus, who was staring straight in front of him and attempting to look innocent, but biting his cheek to keep from laughing. She fixed her eyes on him with the sternest glare she could muster. When he turned and saw her expression, he had to move his hand to hide his smirk, but he met her gaze, raising his eyebrows in mock disapproval at her inattention to the meeting. She continued to narrow her eyes, and his eyebrows climbed further up his forehead. Her lips began to twitch. He poked her in the side again, and they whipped their heads away from each other, both trying to hide their laughter. Remus leaned forward in his chair, his elbows on the table and his hands covering his mouth. Lily was sure he was still grinning, but she was looking anywhere except at him, still fighting to control her giggles. 

 

This was the flip side of Remus, the lighter, “Marauder” Remus, as Lily had dubbed it. He was one of them, after all, despite his outward intellectual appearance. While he was certainly not above poking distracted prefects in meetings or tripping arrogant prats in the common room, it was his dry wit that made Lily laugh most. 

 

It was an affected cough from beside her that brought her back to reality this time: Remus had been trying unsuccessfully to stifle his chuckling, and was now feigning a coughing fit to cover it. Lily had to force herself to take slow, deep breaths; she was close to joining in his laughter. 

She concentrated on the meeting for the first time in an attempt to cure her urge to giggle. She listened to Emmeline’s voice droning on about patrols, something about changes to the schedule being approved by herself or the Head Boy. Here Emmeline paused, looking down at said Head Boy for support. Sensing that he was expected to respond (or perhaps just sensing the silence), Richard Davies grunted an affirmative “Mmmhmm...” before sinking back into his stupor. This was apparently good enough, as Emmeline continued to explain at unnecessary length: 

“The reasoning behind this policy change is that it has come to my attention that certain prefects, who shall remain nameless, have not been fulfilling the required number of patrol duties due to an inordinate number of changes to the schedule. Regardless of whether or not the intent was to shirk responsibility, it is imperative that....”

Lily’s attention wandered again, all humor gone from the situation. Complete boredom had set in. She watched the snow still falling, fast and furious, outside. She observed that Emmeline’s dirty blond hair clashed quite as badly with the yellow of her Hufflepuff tie as Lily’s own red locks clashed with the Gryffindor scarlet. She noted that several fifth-years were still pretending to be absorbed in the lecture, but their glazed expressions belied them. She traced an indented burn mark on the table over and over with her fingers, willing the meeting to come to an end. Finally, chairs scraped against the floor, and Lily stood up with the rest of the prefects heading for the door. 

 

“Ugh,” she groaned as she headed back to Gryffindor tower with Remus. 

He grinned at her. “Your conversation is almost as gripping as Emmeline’s...”

Lily snickered, then stopped herself. “She really is a nice girl. Really, I mean, I’ve known her for years, but...” She shook her head in exasperation. 

“She’s really not a very effective Head Girl,” Remus said apologetically. 

“I feel rather badly, because she is quite nice, and I suppose she’s a friend, and, well, I feel I ought to pay attention, you know, and show support, and...”

Remus interrupted her with a laugh. “Yes, we all say that she is quite a nice girl, and probably half of Hogwarts would say they supposed they were friends with her because they have no reason not to be. Honestly, though, what do we all mean? She may be nice, but she’s deadly dull, and that’s why she’s a rubbish Head Girl.”

“I still feel badly,” Lily admitted, “but you’re right. That’s why she can’t get anything accomplished: she can’t keep anyone’s attention. And Davies is no better; I think he’s been hit by a few too many bludgers... Stop laughing! You know you think so, too! Since when can a quidditch captain be Head Boy? Even if he was a prefect last year, we all know he only got the Head Boy badge because of quidditch. And he’s more ineffective than she is – he gives her no support and his sole contribution to the meeting was a grunt that very well could have been a snore...”

“I think that was you snoring, Lily,” Remus cut in, teasing as always. 

She stuck her tongue out at him. Then she sobered. “Why do we do it anyway, Remus? Neither of us is the disciplinarian type, we don’t want to play the power game, and we hate all of the nonsense that goes along with being prefects. So why do we bother...?”

There was a pause, in which he looked at her - no grin this time - then away again. “Maybe we don’t do it for the right reasons, or the normal ones, anyway, but I guess I do have mine...”

“Yeah, I do, too...” 

They walked in comfortable silence for a few moments longer, neither bothered by the open admission that they did not know every detail about the other. After a minute, Remus tilted his head down to look at her, a gentle smile on his face. 

“I think I’ve had more than my fill of prefect discussion for the evening, yeah?” Lily returned his smile in agreement, and he continued. “So, how was your holiday? Did anything exciting happen other than surviving the attack of the giant jumper?”

She wrinkled her nose in a playful frown. “Are you going to join in making fun of my clothes, then?”

He laughed, and they continued their light-hearted banter all the way back to the now-empty common room, parting at the foot of the stairs to their respective dormitories. 

 

*******

 

Upstairs in her dorm, Lily found Caroline and Marianne McAlister sprawled across Marianne’s bed, finishing homework. Alice was sitting on her own bed on the other side of the room. She, too, was writing. Marianne and Caroline looked up as Lily entered. 

“Hi, Lily! How was your holiday?” Marianne greeted her. 

“Great,” Lily lied. “How was yours?”

“Oh, you know, just the usual... Too much food, some presents, way too much time spent with family...” Caroline smacked Marianne’s arm, failing to be subtle about it, and both girls glanced sideways at Lily. 

“Sorry, I didn’t – I – I wasn’t trying to be insensitive...” Marianne faltered. 

Lily sighed mentally, knowing what was coming. 

“You know,” Caroline hesitated, trying to continue the conversation Lily had heard a thousand times and had successfully avoided earlier in the common room, “we do understand that it’s hard for you to go home. Really. We know your holiday must have been lonely, and you don’t have to tell us it was good, Lily. We’re your friends! We’re here for you! Friends aren’t supposed to keep things from each other. You know you can talk to us, right? If you need to talk about ... your dad, or ... anything else, we’re here, yeah?”

Lily looked at their imploring expressions, and forced a smile. “Yeah, I know. Thanks. But really, I’m okay.” Seeing that they were about to protest her assertion, she changed the subject. “So, have you both still not finished your homework?” 

Marianne gave her a look indicating that the discussion was not over for good, but followed her lead. “Of course mine is done! Everything that’s due tomorrow, anyway. I was working on Divination, but it’s not due until Thursday.” 

She looked over to Caroline, who was still wearing a frown, obviously wanting to return to the previous conversation. “Ummm,” stuttered Marianne, trying to keep Caroline quiet, “how was the prefect meeting?”

“Horrid as always,” Lily answered, grateful for the new subject. “Emmeline was on a rant about patrol schedules, because the stupid Slytherins are always switching to try and get out of doing them. And Davies was his usual eloquent self.”

“You talked about patrol schedules for that whole time?” Caroline asked in shock.

“ _We_ didn’t talk at all. Emmeline did. And that’s probably not all she talked about, but it was the only part I was actually paying attention to...” Lily admitted frankly. 

“Did the Slytherins make a scene about being accused of skiving off?” Marianne rolled her eyes. 

“No, they weren’t paying attention either. It’s mostly Edmund Greengrass who tries to switch with everyone, and he was too busy doodling to even realize that she was talking about him. Not that she actually mentioned names, of course; she always overdoes it with the tact. Anyway,” Lily sighed, resting her head in her hands, “I’m sick of talking about prefect stuff... I think I’m going to turn in and have an early night.”

Caroline frowned. “I’ve still got to finish Charms, so I’ll be up for a while, yet.”

Marianne shook her head at her. “It’s your own fault for not finishing earlier. You had the whole holiday to work on it!”

The three of them bickered about Caroline’s work ethic while Lily changed into her pajamas. She wished them goodnight, and closed the side of the curtains facing them. 

 

Turning towards Alice’s bed, where Alice still sat writing in silence, Lily looked at the three photographs that sat on her bedside table. She picked up each one in turn, then meticulously arranged them back on the table. 

The first was a muggle photograph of a family. A blond girl, twelve at the time, had her arm around a smaller redhead; a dark-haired woman with bright green eyes wrapped her arms around her daughters, while her husband attempted to hug the whole group. Lily smiled sadly and replaced the photo.

The second showed three fourteen-year-old girls standing in a row, their arms across each others shoulders. Red, blond, and dark brown locks entwined in the wind as the girls laughed and waved, occasionally making silly faces at each other or their audience. This one received a wider smile and a shake of Lily’s head. 

The last she picked up very slowly, very gently... A little girl of seven was sitting in the lap of a tall man who held her closely. His red hair matched hers, and his broad smile was echoed in her laughing face. There was only a ghost of a smile on Lily’s lips as she held this photograph, the most precious of the trio. She stared at the man’s face for a long moment, her fingers tracing its outline. Then, realizing she was only touching glass, after all, she sighed and moved it back, just as gently, to its home on the table. 

Closing the second set of curtains and lying back on her bed, Lily thought about her home, her family. Caroline was right, Lily hated to go home. After two years, it was still too painful to see her mother’s ever-present grief and Petunia’s disgusted glares. No one laughed in her house anymore; the smiling, happy family from the first photograph had died with the red-haired man. Home wasn’t home without their laughter - his laughter, Lily reflected, and every moment spent in her house was only a reminder of what they had lost. And so, she had stopped returning, distancing herself as much as possible from what remained of the family she used to love so much. 

Lily sighed again. She could hardly bear to think about it, let alone voice her thoughts. She would much rather spend the Christmas holidays alone in Gryffindor tower than at home where every room, every sentence, every action would be haunted by memories of her father. And there was nothing wrong with that, Lily thought defiantly, that didn’t make her ‘not okay’. 

Her thoughts turned to her two friends, still conversing nearby. They treated her as though she was made of glass: apologizing at every mention of family, constantly urging Lily to talk about her family and her father, assuming she needed to be drawn out of a deep depression every time they found her alone. Lily bristled. For two long years she had put up with their behavior, telling herself that they meant well, and they just couldn’t understand. More and more lately, though, she had begun to resent their coddling. She wished they would respect her privacy, her right to her solitude and her own thoughts that didn’t need to be shared with them. 

_She wished they were more like Remus_ , Lily couldn’t help adding, before turning over and finally falling asleep. 

 

 


	2. Textbooks and Politics

A/N:  So, this was not originally intended to be its own chapter, but it just kind of happened that way.  Hopefully updates will happen sooner from here on...  Thanks to the two people who reviewed the first chapter.  More reviews would make my day! :)

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Lily woke early the next morning to the sound of Caroline and Marianne’s bickering voices. For a moment, she watched dust particles dance in the narrow shaft of sunlight that had forced its way between her curtains, before deciding that, no, they were not going to shut up, and yes, she really was awake. She sighed and pushed her curtains open. 

“Now look what you did, you woke Lily up!” hissed Marianne. 

“Well, I’m sorry, but it’s almost time to get up anyway, and this is really important... Oh, no, it’s not here either!” Caroline’s first sentence was muffled, as her head had been in her trunk while she was speaking, but she stood up to whine the second. 

“Shh!” 

“What exactly is going on?” asked Lily as she rubbed her eyes and stretched her arms. 

“Caroline lost her Defense book,” was Marianne’s neutral reply. 

Caroline was now throwing all of the books from her bedside table onto the floor and muttering under her breath while Lily and Marianne watched in silence. “I know I had it at home... I had it in my bedroom – I looked at the essay, and decided not to do it, so I put it back in the trunk. I took out Transfiguration at home, too, and that’s right here. I had them out together, and I didn’t touch it again except...” She suddenly gasped. “Oh, no!” she wailed loudly. 

Marianne and Lily shushed her again, but it was too late. 

Alice’s curtains flew open and her voice was anxious as she cried, “What’s wrong? What’s happening?” She reached for her wand, her blue eyes wide with fright. 

There was complete silence for a few seconds as the other three gaped at her, shocked by her reaction, and Alice stared back, taking in the scene. Lily saw Caroline and Marianne exchange half-glances, raising their eyebrows and smirking slightly. 

Alice had already put her wand down; her pale face was rapidly reddening and she whispered, “Sorry,” without looking at them. 

“Everything’s fine, Caroline is just carrying on because she can’t find one of her books; it’s nothing, really,” Lily said very quickly, blushing herself at her friends’ antics. “Sorry we startled you.”

Alice nodded without looking at her as she grabbed her towel and headed toward the bathroom. 

“Well, sorry, I didn’t mean to wake her up, and how was I supposed to know she was going to act like we were being attacked by trolls or something?” Caroline was protesting querulously. “I just realized that I left the book at home on the dining room table! That’s what I get for trying to do homework over the holiday!” She folded her arms, half pouting. 

“Well, this is all quite entertaining, but excuse me if I don’t quite tear up over a missing book for a class we don’t even have today...” Lily announced, dryly. “Now, since I am already awake, and you know how I feel about whining, Caroline, I think I will excuse myself and get an early start to the day.” She stood up, looking pointedly at Caroline, and headed to the bathroom as well, noticing that Caroline at least had the grace to look a bit sheepish. 

 

As she showered and changed into her school robes, Lily’s thoughts turned to Alice. Caroline and Marianne may have been ready to dismiss her strange reaction after their brief mockery, but Lily did not find it humorous at all. This was certainly not the first time in nearly six years of sharing a dorm that Caroline had woken someone up; she was not exactly known for her tact. Lily wondered, though, what could have happened to Alice to prompt such alarm and even terror in reponse to such a commonplace occurrence. The wizarding world was not a safe place now, Lily knew that, but so far, the war had not touched her personally, and she was more than content to keep it that way. Hogwarts felt like a safe bubble in which she could hide from all the atrocities occurring in the outside world. She couldn’t help but wonder, though, after this morning, if Alice was not so fortunate. Lily shivered as she returned to her dorm. 

 

Caroline was digging through her trunk again, while Marianne was applying Sleekeazy’s to her long, dark hair, attempting to tame any rogue wisps. Alice had already left. Finally finding a pair of matching socks, Caroline stood up and noticed Lily. 

“Lily, really, I’m sooo sorry about waking you up, and whining about my book – I know you hate that – and for not realizing that we don’t even have Defense today, and I really am just so sorry...” she prattled, looking at Lily with a ‘sad puppy’ expression in her large brown eyes. 

“It’s okay,” Lily said firmly, holding up her hands and resisting the urge to roll her eyes. Gushing was almost as bad as whining. She carelessly tied her long, wet hair up into a ponytail, then turned to the two other girls. “I’m going to head down to breakfast; I’ll see you guys there.”

She didn’t wait for their responses before walking quickly out the door. 

 

Truth be told, Lily was annoyed about being woken up by Caroline’s drama. It hadn’t been ridiculously early, and Lily had not lost a lot of sleep, but she felt that Caroline had been both selfish and insensitive. She was always scatterbrained, so Lily could quite understand her forgetting that they did not have Defense on Mondays, but whining about a lost textbook to the point that the entire dorm woke up was unnecessary. Lily hated whining. 

And it wasn’t so bad that she was woken up herself, Lily reflected as she walked through the corridors to the Great Hall. They were, after all, her friends, and she felt obligated to put up with them. But she could not banish the image of Alice’s panicked eyes from her head. She felt another twinge of irritation at Caroline and Marianne, both for being tactless enough to wake Alice up in the first place, and then for making light of her fear. 

Lily found herself wondering if there had ever been a time in her life when she would have laughed at Alice, as her friends had. She hoped not. Then she sighed. _What is wrong with me, lately?_ Lily chided herself. What happened to her loyalty to her friends? Why were they suddenly a source of frustration instead of a comfort? She sighed again, now feeling guilty, and shook her head to clear her thoughts before stepping into the Great Hall. 

 

*******

 

It was earlier than Lily usually breakfasted, and the Gryffindor table was surprisingly empty as she entered and scanned the room for familiar faces. The sound of her name caught her attention, and she looked over to see Benjy Fenwick waving at her, sitting with a very unlikely partner – Alice. Lily walked towards the pair, watching them laugh and converse like old friends. It seemed so strange, Lily thought; outgoing, fun Benjy friends with quiet, reserved Alice? But, Lily had to admit, her thoughts returning to earlier events, there seemed to be a lot she didn’t know about Alice. They had always been on friendly terms, and still were, but they had drifted rather far apart since Alice had begun dating Frank Longbottom at the beginning of her fourth year. 

Alice and Benjy both looked up to greet Lily as she sat down across from them, Alice again blushing slightly, her braided hair, obviously still wet, a tribute to her hasty departure from the dorm. Lily smiled and greeted her rather more warmly than she usually would have. Alice’s cheeks reddened further and she hesitated. 

“Lily, I really am sorry about this morning; it was too stupid of me, I – I just – I don’t know, overreacted... It was just stupid...” she stammered. 

“Alice, really,” Lily assured her. “You have nothing to apologize for. We are the ones who should be apologizing to you; or at least Caroline should... I’m really sorry that we woke you up and startled you...”

Benjy was looking back and forth between the two girls during this awkward exchange. His gaze finally settled on Alice, eyebrows raised. “Spill,” he ordered, lightly. 

Alice rolled her eyes at him before complying, explaining what had happened in the dorm. “... and I don’t know, maybe I was dreaming, but I just heard someone screaming, and for some reason I thought something must be wrong, and I know it was incredibly stupid of me, and of course it couldn’t have been anything, but I wasn’t even thinking, and I don’t know, I just – I – I ...” She trailed off, looking away from Benjy. Lily was shocked to see her eyes shining with tears. 

“Hey, hey, hey...” Benjy said gently, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her close. “It’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with being afraid. We’ve all seen and heard way too much not to get scared! And people who want to close their eyes to what’s happening are only kidding themselves. They’re the fools, not you. Not us.”

Alice nodded. “It’s just... The stories that Frank tells, the things he sees – and he’s only in training – the things that we all don’t hear about... It makes me wonder if we really are as safe here as everyone thinks, and I just can’t help but worry...” she whispered. 

“I know,” Lily heard Benjy whisper back, feeling like an eavesdropper herself. 

 

There was silence for a moment, then Alice sighed. Benjy squeezed the arm that held her one more time before letting her go, the customary smile back on his face, though a little softer than usual. 

“That’s better,” he said, returning to his teasing manner. “I wouldn’t want to have to write Frank and tell him his girl is getting herself all upset and worrying after him.”

Alice gave him a withering look. 

“Better yet, I wouldn’t want to have to write to my mother and have her tell Mrs. Longbottom that her future daughter-in-law is pining away for her precious Frank... You know she would tell her, too; they have tea together twice a week!” 

Both girls laughed at his rather poor impression of the two older ladies at their tea. 

Lily continued to smile as she watched Benjy playfully bump his shoulder into Alice’s. 

 

Their discussion turned to the future as they applied themselves to their breakfasts. Lily learned that Alice, too, aspired to be an Auror. 

“Not because Frank is; I wanted to before I knew that’s what he wanted to do. It’s just so worthwhile, especially now, with everything that’s going on...”

And Benjy was willing to do “anything that will help end this damned war!”

Lily felt somehow inferior as she admitted that she did not know quite what she wanted to do when she left Hogwarts. She recognized herself all too well in Benjy’s comment about people who close their eyes to unpleasant happenings around them. Both Benjy and Alice had taken her by surprise, made her realize that there was so much more to them than met the eye. Benjy, the energetic, popular comedian, and Alice, the introverted quasi-misfit - whose life purportedly revolved around her boyfriend - were in reality, quite alike at heart. It made Lily feel strangely flawed, to know that she had seen these people nearly everyday, and yet knew so little about them...

 

*******

 

“Oh, no,” Lily groaned quietly as an all-too-familiar figure approached them, threatening to interrupt her unusual and refreshing breakfast conversation. 

“Lily!” called Emmeline Vance, hurrying toward her with a sheaf of parchment in her hands. “Oh, Lily, do you think that you and Remus could switch and have patrols tomorrow night instead of Thursday? It would really be so much easier if you could. Already three groups of prefects have requested to switch, and I have to figure out how to rearrange everyone else so that everything works out with the schedule. It’s really turning into quite the nightmare; I should just tell everyone that no switches are allowed from now on... So, you can switch?” she rambled very quickly, the last sentence more of a statement than a question. 

“Erm, well, I’ll have to ask Remus...” Lily replied slowly. 

“Oh, well, where is he?” Emmeline interrupted impatiently. 

“Probably still sleeping,” was Lily’s dry response. “I’ll talk to him and let you know.”

“Oh, thank you so much, Lily, you’ve made my life so much easier!” Emmeline gushed as she walked away at top speed, acting, in Lily’s opinion, as if Lily had just promised to patrol every night for a month instead of saying ‘maybe’ to a switch. 

There was a pause after she left, in which Benjy smirked and rolled his eyes, but Alice’s brows drew together in a confused frown. 

“Er, why is she making the patrol schedule? Doesn’t everyone usually just sign up?” she asked Lily.

It was Lily’s turn to roll her eyes. “She decided that she was going to be in charge of making and approving any switches, because the Slytherins have been trying to get out of doing their patrols by making a mess of the schedule.”

“And, she failed to realize that this would create an obscene amount of extra work for her...?” Alice asked slowly, somewhere between amused and incredulous. 

“Apparently...” replied Lily, who had also foreseen this issue. 

“You couldn’t pay me to be Head Girl,” Alice laughed, shaking her head. “Not after watching everything Frank had to go through last year as Head Boy. It’s more trouble than it’s worth.”

“Being a prefect is more trouble than it’s worth, too, especially when the Head Boy and Girl are rubbish...” Lily complained. “Frank was a great Head Boy, though – nothing like Davies or Emmeline. They are both so incompetent! Anyone would be better than they are!”

“Watch out, Lily, you could very well be next!” taunted Benjy, grinning at her. 

“Well, at least I’d be a damn sight more effective than they are!” muttered Lily defiantly, as they all three laughed. 

 

“What’s so funny?” asked Marianne, arriving at the table with Caroline, just as the post owls swooped into the room. 

“Oooh, it’s my book!” Caroline cried, spying her mother’s owl carrying a large brown package. 

Lily could see the blush creeping up Alice’s cheeks yet again at the mention of the incident in the dorm. Benjy saw it, too, and nudged her with his arm, smiling, silently telling her to let it go, as he opened his copy of the _Daily Prophet_. 

 

The table settled into relative silence. Pages rustled as Benjy and Alice read through his _Daily Prophet_ , and Caroline and Marianne giggled at the note from Caroline’s mother, admonishing her yet again for her absentmindedness. Lily sat quietly, now finished with her breakfast. She half-tried to read Benjy’s newspaper as he held it in front of him, but she could make out little more than the headline, which outlined yet more changes to ministry policies in light of recent events in the war. 

Benjy shook his head as he finished an article and looked up, muttering to Alice,

“The ministry really is going to the dogs...”

“Excuse me, my father works there,” cut in Marianne, tartly. 

“So does mine,” Benjy replied ironically, his eyebrows raised again. 

“Then how dare you say such things? Have you no loyalty?” Marianne was growing indignant at his nonchalance. 

“I don’t agree with what they’re doing. I have an opinion; it’s not about being loyal,” he shrugged.

“You know nothing about what the ministry has to deal with and what they are going through! People like you are exactly why this war isn’t over yet!” she cried, her face flushing. 

“And I suppose you must know all about the inner workings of all the ministry departments just because Daddy Dearest happens to work there?” Benjy was still smiling. “People like you, who just do whatever their told, and don’t bother to form their own opinions, are exactly why the ministry is going down the toilet.” 

“They’re doing the best they can! The only way to stop this war is to follow the ministry’s lead and trust that they know what is best for us!” Marianne’s offended retort still managed to sound like the practiced recitation it was. 

Benjy’s eyebrows climbed his forehead yet again. “Definitely your father’s daughter, eh, McAlister...?” he stated ironically as he stood. “Well, excuse me for rushing out, but we lowly fifth years haven’t the free time and leisure of you sixth years to sit at breakfast all morning...” He tipped an invisible hat to Alice and Lily before turning and leaving the Great Hall. 

Marianne sat with her chin in the air, still huffing. 

“Oh, don’t let’s talk about politics – it’s so boring!” cried Caroline. “Just let it go, Marianne, it’s not worth getting upset about. I need to go to the library before class – I still haven’t finished Charms, and we should stop back at the dorm so I can drop off my Defense book. I have to carry quite enough stuff as it is, without adding an extra book! Come on, Lily, let’s go.”

As she exited the hall after her friends, Lily spared a glance at Alice, who was now hiding behind Benjy’s _Daily Prophet_. She wondered what Alice thought about the ministry policies, but suspected that she shared Benjy’s opinion. Lily was intrigued by him: beneath his casual demeanor there was a conviction that Marianne’s irritation lacked. She was only parroting her father’s views, as she always did, but Benjy was actually informed, and truly believed every word he said. Lily again felt inadequate in comparison to Benjy and Alice; she had no information and therefore no real opinions about current political situations and the war. She wondered if perhaps she should start subscribing to the _Daily Prophet_. 

 

 


	3. Birthday News

A/N:  Yet another chapter that kind of decided to do its own thing...  Not that that's always bad.  Thanks for reading, and I would love more reviews....! 

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The next several days passed unremarkably. Classes continued as normal and prefect duties remained as tedious and unorganized as ever. Lily continued breakfasting with Alice and Benjy, who proved to be engaging and informative company. Alice often had extra insight into events reported in the Daily Prophet – and some that had remained undiscussed by the newspaper – as Frank kept her informed in his frequent letters. Lily found herself paying more attention than ever to events outside of Hogwarts, and forming opinions about the war – something she had always avoided in the past. Like her friendship with Remus, however, Lily’s newfound political conscience was something she kept from her two closest friends: Marianne would merely continue to repeat her father’s opinions as her own, and Caroline was even more disinterested than Lily had been previously. 

 

Lily sat in the common room with Marianne and Caroline on a late-January evening, trying desperately to finish a Potions essay before it was time for patrols with Remus. Caroline and Marianne sat watching her, having already finished their own homework. 

“Why are you still taking that stupid subject, anyway? It was awful the first five years!” Caroline complained. 

“Because she’s actually good at it, unlike you,” retorted Marianne. “Not to mention she’s Sluggy’s favorite, again unlike you...”

“Ugh, don’t remind me, the old git!” grumbled Caroline.

Lily rolled her eyes. “Oh, he’s harmless. He’s really not a bad teacher, and he’s quite funny, even if he is shameless about playing favorites. There, done!” She laid down her quill and packed away her long essay. “Just in time.”

“Good, because we need to get rid of you anyway... We have some planning to do...” Caroline attempted a sly smile 

“You two aren’t on about that again, are you?” Lily sighed. “I told you, I don’t want a big party! Yes, Marianne, even if I am coming of age! Now, I don’t want to talk about it any further; I _don’t_ want a party!” 

Lily glared at them both as she rose and crossed the room to where Remus was sitting with the Mauraders. 

 

“Hullo, Evans, come to see me kick Wormtail’s ass?” Sirius asked, glancing up from his chess game. 

Lily looked pointedly at the board, which showed a marked imbalance of black and white pieces. 

“Has something happened that I missed...? Like hell freezing over...?” she quipped sarcastically, looking back at Sirius. 

“Your reputation precedes you, I see, Padfoot,” Peter chuckled. “No, Lily, hell hasn’t frozen over quite yet...” He smiled at her as he prodded a rook forward and yet another white piece fell. Sirius swore. 

“Oh, who are you kidding, Padfoot? You know Evans really came over here to see me...” James winked in Remus’ direction as he leaned back in his chair and folded his hands behind his head, then gave Lily a cheeky smile. 

“I thought we had just established that hell has yet to freeze over...?” Lily asked dryly with one eyebrow raised. 

Remus laughed lightly while Peter snorted. 

“She’s got you there, Prongs,” grinned Sirius. 

“Oh, sweet little Evans is growing claws... Who would have thought it?” James muttered, unperturbed and deliberately condescending. 

Lily watched him with narrowed eyes as Peter nervously looked back and forth between the two of them. Sirius sat with wide eyes, biting his lips, waiting for the storm to begin, but Remus took a step towards Lily. James’ eyes were still on her, and his expression offered a challenge. 

He was trying to pick a fight; Lily knew that. They had had their occasional spats over the years, culminating in the infamous incident by the lake after their Defense O.W.L., which Lily tried to think about as little as possible. Since then, she had ignored his existence as much as possible, and he had seemed content to let her do so until tonight. She decided to ignore whatever whim had caused him to provoke her, and did not rise to his bait. Instead she arranged her face into an overly sweet smile, and cooed in a sickly honeyed tone, 

“Oh, but I’ve always had claws! They’ve scratched you before, Potter. It’s just one more thing you’ve never noticed... I suppose all of those scratches and scrapes to your head must run together after a while, though... Perhaps you should talk to Dumbledore about widening all the doorframes so it fits through easier...” 

Shooting another sugary smile at his gaping expression, she turned quickly, her long ponytail whipping over her shoulder. She saw Peter’s mouth open in a small “O” of simultaneous shock and delight, and heard Sirius whistle through his smirk and mutter, “Evans – two, Prongs – zero,” as she quickly crossed the common room with Remus at her heels. She hoped she looked more confident than she felt. 

 

Lily did not slow her pace until she and Remus had exited the portrait hole, and were several corridors away from Gryffindor tower. Finally stopping, she sighed and leaned against the cold stone wall, again feeling her pretence melt away in Remus’ presence. 

He watched her for a moment before speaking. “I’m sorry about all that,” he said softly. 

“Don’t you dare apologize for your friends!” came Lily’s sharp response. “They are responsible for their own actions. You didn’t do anything.” 

“That’s just it, though: I didn’t do anything. I never do...” he murmured regretfully. 

She turned so they were fully facing each other and poked the badge on his chest. “That badge says ‘Prefect,’ not ‘Mother Hen.’ It is not your job to keep them in check.” 

“Yeah, I know,” he shrugged, “but I’m still sorry James was such as ass to you. He’s been in a foul mood all day – not that that’s an excuse – but he sometimes just takes things out on other people, and I guess you were... well...” He hesitated. 

“An easy target?” Lily finished, dryly. 

“Well... Yes.” Remus looked sideways at her apologetically. “He just doesn’t always know where to draw the line... As I’m sure you’ve figured out by now!” he amended quickly, seeing her expression. 

“Well, it doesn’t really matter,” she sighed wearily as they began walking again. “I just thought that I was done having run-ins with James Potter, and I’m not really keen on having any more...”

“You know, that’s not really who James is; there is much more to him, and he really is a good person.” His tone was hesitant again, as if expecting her to disagree. 

Lily smiled rather sadly. “So you keep telling me... I don’t know... Somehow, I never get to see that. I only get to see the arrogant prat. Not that I’m exactly a saint around him either,” she laughed, and shook her head. “We seem to bring out the worst in each other for some reason.” 

She could feel Remus staring at her as they continued walking. After a moment she turned, meeting his gaze. He wore a soft smile, but his eyes were penetrating. 

“You don’t want to hear this, Lily,” he began gently, “but you and James are awfully alike in many ways. No listen! I think that’s why you’ve always rubbed each other the wrong way. And of course there were a few other... circumstances... that got in the way of things...” Lily knew he was thinking of Severus. “But I really think that if you and James could ever let go of all the silly things in the past and find some common ground, you would really get on quite well.”

Lily raised her eyebrows, skepticism written all over her face. “I’ll talk to you when hell freezes over,” she retorted, as they both laughed. 

 

*******

 

“So, Lily, there was something else I wanted to talk to you about...” Remus said innocently, as they began walking back towards Gryffindor tower. 

“Oh, what was that?” Lily replied a bit nervously, seeing the smirk forming on his face. 

“Well, I’m a bit hurt to tell the truth.” He attempted to make sad eyes at her, but did not quite succeed, as the corners of his mouth were still twitching. “Why didn’t you invite me to your birthday party? Why did I have to hear about it through everyone else?”

“Oh bloody hell! Did they talk to you, then?” Lily swore. 

“No, I’m just teasing,” he chuckled. “Benjy told me that your friends were trying to plan a party, much to your chagrin.” 

Lily shook her head in exasperation. “They just won’t listen! I don’t understand: I don’t want a party; what is so complicated about that?? It’s more than just the birthday party, though. That’s just one more thing in a long string of events.” She sighed. “I don’t know, Remus, I feel like an awful person, but my friends are driving me mad!” 

“Lily, you are most definitely not an awful person,” he said soothingly. “Everyone has disagreements with their friends.” 

“You don’t.” It was almost an accusation. “You four are like brothers.” She was suddenly jealous. 

“Yeah, we are.” Remus smiled softly at her. “And so, like brothers, we care about each other very much, but we definitely have our moments. And people do change, Lily,” he continued. “Even if you really are growing apart from your friends, that doesn’t make you an awful person; it doesn’t make you disloyal.”

“Yeah...” she muttered, unconvinced. “It’s just so frustrating! I feel like they just assume I want what they want, which is, of course, a big party, but they never actually take the time to figure out what I would really like...” She shook her head again. 

“And what would that be?” He was looking at her with that piercing gaze again. 

“Nothing that I can actually have,” she said wryly. 

He smiled regretfully and nodded. “I know that feeling.”

“I want too many things to list,” she continued. “I want my father to be alive; I want my sister to not hate me; I want my mother to be the person she used to be – you know, she used to make me a chocolate cake every year, and now I’m lucky if she remembers my birthday at all... I want there to be no war going on; I want to get along with my friends again; I want my birthday to fall on a weekend, so we can just sit in the Three Broomsticks all day...” She paused, tears stinging her eyes. “But I can’t have any of those things, so I guess I would just settle for an all around good day...” 

Remus put his hand on her shoulder in a somewhat awkward, but genuine, gesture. “I know,” he whispered. “Sometimes it’s hard to just be happy with what you have, yeah?”

She nodded. 

“It will work out with your friends, Lily. One way or another, everything will be okay...”

 

*******

 

The morning of January 30th dawned bright and cold. Lily lay snuggled in her blankets for several minutes before stretching her arms and opening her curtains to the bright sunlight. She was determined to make this day wonderful: she would not let friends, school, family or anything else ruin her birthday. 

Lily smiled warmly in response to Caroline and Marianne’s birthday greetings, and spent rather more time than usual getting ready for classes. She even let the other two convince her to make more of an effort with her appearance: she agreed to wear her long hair down, and pinned it away from her face with the jeweled hair clips that were part of her present from Caroline. Lily never wore make-up, but today allowed them to paint her lips with a sparkling pink gloss, which she was sure would come off with the first bite of her breakfast. But the three girls laughed and talked as they had not in recent weeks, and Lily hoped that some of their camaraderie was returning. 

 

The post owls were just arriving as Lily, Caroline and Marianne entered the Great Hall. Lily led the girls to her usual seat across from Benjy and Alice, who had already finished their breakfasts. 

“Happy Birthday, Lily!” Alice said in her gentle voice. 

“Yeah, Happy Birthday! You look lovely, Lily!” Benjy grinned. 

Lily beamed at both of them, and tried not to look at the post owls that were now swooping around the room. She was forcing herself to expect nothing from her mother; then, she would not be disappointed when nothing arrived. 

 

As she buttered a piece of toast, Lily noticed that the Great Hall had suddenly gone quiet. An owl dropped the _Daily Prophet_ in front of Benjy and Alice, and the smack of the paper hitting the table resounded in the silence. Lily watched as Benjy froze almost comically, mid-motion, as he unfolded the newspaper, and Alice gasped. A dull thunk drew her attention further down the table to where Peter had knocked over his glass of pumpkin juice. None of the other Marauders made any effort to wipe up the puddle: their gazes were fixed on the front page of the _Daily Prophet_ as well. 

A low, tense murmur was now running through the Great Hall. 

Lily looked back to Benjy and Alice whose eyes had flickered to each other before returning to whatever headline had riveted the whole room. Caroline was staring around the hall, somewhat bemused, and Marianne looked back and forth between Benjy and Alice’s faces, her eyes narrowed. 

“What is it? Let me see!” Lily implored, already frightened. All thoughts of birthday presents had been banished from her mind. 

Alice slowly slid the paper to the center of the table so Lily and Marianne could read it, and Lily immediately saw the reason for the strange reactions around her:

“Massacre in Muggle Town,” screamed the huge headline from its place above a photograph, in which figures ran to and fro amongst burning houses. 

Lily shut her eyes to block the image, but she could not erase it from her mind. Looking back to the newspaper, she read of the small muggle village in Devon where a pureblood had settled with his muggleborn wife and their three young children. The wizard had openly denounced Voldemort’s creed of blood purity, and his comments, coupled with his marriage to a muggleborn, had incited the wrath of the Dark Lord, who had killed not only the man and his family, but half of their neighborhood as well. In all, there had been 37 muggle deaths plus those of the wizarding family. 

Lily finished the article and closed her eyes again, finally opening them to glance up at Benjy and Alice. She felt sick. 

“Thirty-seven muggle deaths?” she weakly asked no one in particular. 

Alice and Benjy were both looking at her, Alice’s eyes anxious and her forehead creased, while Benjy’s face showed some of the nausea that Lily felt, as well as anger, and possibly resolve. Lily looked to her right and saw Marianne staring blankly at the front page of the Daily Prophet. On her left, even Caroline was reading the article, her eyes wide and scared. 

“But-but they’re like _my_ family,” Caroline stammered, her voice higher than usual. “That’s how we are – my dad’s pureblood and my mum is muggleborn... Oh my gosh, they’re just like my family... That could have _been_ my family...” She trailed off, her eyes growing even wider. 

“But 37 innocent muggles... Why??” Lily repeated. “Why kill all those people? What’s the point?” 

“I don’t know,” whispered Alice, slowly. “I don’t think he really needs a point... And it’s not the first time there’s been a mass muggle killing...” Lily’s jaw dropped. “It’s just the first time it’s been reported in the Daily Prophet.” 

“B-but, but he killed a – a pureblood...?” Marianne almost squeaked, still staring at the paper. 

“He killed a whole family!” Caroline cried. 

“And 37 other people who just happened to be there!” retorted Lily. “And how could they not have reported it if this happened before?” she turned to Alice. 

“I don’t know,” Alice said again, shaking her head. “Frank knew about other muggle killings, though.” 

“It is the first time he’s killed a pureblood, other than aurors and the like,” Benjy commented. “And we all know people will care more about one pureblood than a town full of muggles,” he added rather cynically. 

Marianne reddened and opened her mouth as if to speak, then seemed to think better of it and stopped herself. 

Lily had lost her appetite, and felt both ill and close to tears. “It’s just awful,” she whispered. “How is this happening? How do people not know? How do they not tell us?” She was growing indignant. “And what are they doing to stop it...?” 

“Not enough, obviously.” Benjy was staring at the table now. 

“That’s why we’re trying to stand up and fight, and actually do something...” Alice’s voice was quiet but impassioned. “This is why it’s just not good enough to sit around and hope that the Ministry knows what’s best and has everything under control.” 

Marianne stood up abruptly as Alice finished and grabbed her bag, not bothering to look at any of them as she walked out of the hall, but Lily saw the conflict written on her face, and thought that her disdain for Alice and Benjy’s opinions was less resolute than usual. Caroline, who had been watching this exchange, stood up too, though more hesitantly, and followed Marianne out of the hall. 

Benjy shrugged at their departure, and began to gather his own things for class. Lily and Alice followed, all three of them lost in thought. 

“Well, what a start to your birthday... Sorry, Lily,” Benjy said with a wry smile as he parted ways with the two girls. 

 

*******

 

To say that everyone was subdued for the rest of the day would have been a gross understatement. Even Slughorn was not his usual jubilant self that afternoon in their double period. He did not tease Lily or any of his other favorites, and walked around the room slowly and sedately, instead of bouncing from desk to desk as normal. 

As Lily sat carefully chopping her roots at the table she shared with Alice, she could not help but continue to think of the article in the newspaper. She just could not wrap her head around the idea that anyone would find such actions acceptable or justifiable. How could anyone subscribe to a doctrine that would excuse and even promote such atrocities? 

She found her thoughts drifting to Severus Snape, sitting just a few seats away. Their friendship had been over for ages now; his open derision of her heritage had been the proverbial straw that had broken the camel’s back, and she rarely spared him a thought, but she could not help doing so now. This was the world he was headed for. He admitted that this was the circle he aspired to run in. As little political awareness as Lily had had in the past, she had always denounced his leaning toward and interest in dark magic, but somehow, she never quite fully realized what following Voldemort actually meant until today. 

Was he really the type of person who could follow such principles? Would he, Sev, her childhood friend, really be capable of slaughtering dozens of innocents, for no reason other than the fact that they had never held a wand? Would he, the boy who told her so many years ago that it made no difference whether or not she was muggleborn, be willing to murder a man for marrying one? For marrying her? 

But would he, the young man who publicly insulted his best friend for her bloodline, make any move to stand up against such actions...?

Lily sighed. It scared and saddened her that she did not know the answers to her own questions. She did not like to think that there were people capable of doing this at all, let alone people that she knew. 

She was very aware that the village in the photo could have been her own. The people running through the streets could have been her own family, her neighbors. _Alice is right_ , she thought. _If everyone sits back and waits for the Ministry to do something, it will be far too late_. 

 

******

 

Later the same evening, Lily sat alone on the couch in front of the fire. Her books sat on the floor nearby, her homework completed. The earlier atmosphere prevailed, and the common room was much quieter than usual. Caroline and Marianne sat at a table across the room working on Divination homework. There had been no mention of a party; Lily’s seventeenth birthday had been completely eclipsed by this morning’s news. 

Lily leaned forward on the seat, resting her head in her hands and staring aimlessly into the fire. She felt someone sit down close beside her, but did not move. When a hand came to rest lightly on her shoulder, she turned and saw Remus smiling softly at her. 

“Hi,” she whispered, sitting up. 

“Hey,” came his quiet response. He moved his hand back to his lap. “Couldn’t even get your good day, eh?”

She laughed humorlessly. “No.” 

“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “Not the birthday you were hoping for, I know. I did want to give you at least part of something you wanted, though, and maybe it will help you have five good minutes, or maybe even half an hour...” He reached down to the floor and pulled up two bottles of butterbeer. 

His gentle smile was infectious, and Lily returned it, feeling the dark cloud that seemed to hover over the day dissipate somewhat as he clinked his bottle against hers. 

“Happy Birthday, Lily,” he whispered, still smiling. 

Another figure appeared in front of them, holding a tray. 

“I have a delivery for the birthday girl,” Peter announced, obviously attempting an imitation of some sort, but not quite pulling it off. He whipped the cloth off the tray to reveal a small chocolate cake. 

Lily’s eyes brimmed with tears as she looked back to Remus. 

“I don’t know if it’s quite as good as your mother’s, but it’s sort of something else you wanted...”

“Thank you,” Lily whispered, squeezing his hand and smiling warmly. 

Peter placed the tray in Lily’s lap and produced three forks before sitting down on her other side and joining them in devouring the cake. 

Lily found herself relaxing and even laughing as they enjoyed their butterbeer and cake. Remus’ company was, as always, a solace for her, and Peter, though perhaps not as witty or intellectual as Remus, turned out to be quite interesting and surprisingly insightful. The three talked late into the night, and Lily went to bed feeling lighter and more content than she had since breakfast. Though she had by no means forgotten the events going on outside of Hogwarts, they no longer weighed on her, and she was able to think of them more detachedly. 

As she crawled into bed, Lily thought that her seventeenth birthday had certainly been memorable, if nothing else. 

 

 


	4. Finding the Line

A/N:  This is one of the scenes that originally sparked the idea for this story, and I love the idea of it, even if the execution is not 100% what I imagined.  As always, reviews are wonderful, and for those of you waiting for Sirius and/or James, I promise they are coming...

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Lily sat in the common room with Marianne and Caroline on an ordinary evening halfway through February, struggling with her Arithmancy assignment while they made some sort of chart for Divination, when the portrait hole suddenly flew open. 

The three girls looked up to see Remus stride quickly across the common room and up the boys’ dormitory stairs, his face dark. Sirius and James followed him into the room, Sirius running up the stairs after Remus while James walked toward the fire, violently kicking a cushion that lay in his path. Upstairs, there were shouts, followed by the sound of a door slamming. A few seconds later, Sirius arrived back in the common room and stomped over to the fire, where he sat in silence with James. Peter entered the common room as Sirius did and stood staring at the scene, before quietly crossing the room and climbing the stairs. 

 

Lily looked at Caroline and Marianne, who both raised their eyebrows with some amusement. She did not find the situation very humorous. 

The four boys never fought. The last time they had a public disagreement, to Lily’s recollection, was in the fall almost a year and a half ago, when Sirius had played that awful prank on Severus that could have cost him his life if James had not stepped in. 

Lily had not seen Remus for two days; he had been ill, or away, or whatever excuse he was using now... She wondered what could have happened to make her calm, level-headed friend angry enough to slam a door and shout at Sirius. He must not have been as upset with Peter, as there had been no shouting when he went upstairs. She glanced toward the fire, where Sirius and James sill sat scowling, before turning back to her friends. 

 

Caroline and Marianne had gone back to their homework, but Lily could tell from their expressions that they were itching to talk about what had happened. She tried to go back to her Arithmancy, but she could not find the error that was throwing everything off, especially now that she was distractedly thinking of Remus. After five minutes, she gave up, throwing her quill down and receiving looks of surprise from Caroline and Marianne. 

“I’m going upstairs to ask Alice to help me, seeing as I’ve made a complete mess of this,” she muttered irritably, grabbing her books and heading for the stairs, Marianne and Caroline following. 

They had barely entered the dormitory when the two girls began gossiping about what they had witnessed. 

“Oooh, Lily, do you know what happened?” cried Caroline.

“Yeah, do you know what’s wrong with Remus?” Marianne added eagerly. 

“And how would I know that? You lot are the ones in Divination...” Lily retorted. 

“But you’re the one who’s chummy with Remus! Come on, did he tell you?” wheedled Caroline. 

“Would you tell us even if he had?” asked Marianne, looking sharply at Lily. 

“No,” Lily replied bluntly. “Not if it was something private.” 

She turned to Alice, who sat on her bed, books and parchment spread around her. 

“Have you done Arithmancy yet?” she asked. “Mine’s gotten all muddled somehow, and I can’t seem to figure out what I’ve done. Would you mind having a look?”

“Sure, I’m just finishing it now.” Alice took Lily’s parchment. “Erm, so what did happen down there?” she inquired in an undertone. 

“The Marauders appear to be fighting,” was Lily’s brief response. 

Alice raised her eyebrows. “Oh, well that is gossip-worthy...” she said in mock seriousness. 

Lily’s glare turned into a smirk as Alice laughed lightly at her reaction. She soon found Lily’s mistake and the two worked through the rest of the assignment together. 

 

They were just packing up their books when giggles erupted from the other side of the room: Caroline and Marianne were sitting on Marianne’s bed, now in their pajamas, laughing hysterically. 

“Do I even want to know?” Lily sighed. 

“W-we were just thinking of reasons why Remus might be mad at S-sirius and James,” stammered Marianne, trying to stifle her laughter. 

“Marianne t-thinks Sirius is ev-even d-dishier when h-he’s angry!” Caroline guffawed, flopping sideways on the bed. 

Lily rolled her eyes as she changed into her pajamas. 

“Oh, come on, Lily, you know you think they’re attractive!” Marianne cajoled. “Who’s your favorite? Come on!” 

“Goodnight, girls...” Lily called pointedly, shutting the curtains facing them. 

Alice shook her head and smiled as Lily turned towards her, looking at her photographs again before closing the second set of curtains and going to sleep. 

 

********

 

Lily did not have the opportunity to talk to Remus during classes the next day, but noticed that he remained quieter than usual, and refrained from sitting with or even speaking to Sirius or James. They were somber as well, and Peter seemed lost, going back and forth from Sirius and James to Remus, whether as mediator, messenger, or just to figure out who was least angry with him, Lily could not tell. 

 

It was not until that evening’s patrols that she had a chance to be alone with Remus. She wanted to talk to him, wanted to find out what was wrong; not to pry, but just to make sure that he was okay. Now that they were here, though, she had no idea how to begin. He had not said two words to her all evening, and his mood remained sullen. She almost had to run to keep up with his long, quick strides through the corridors. 

“Remus,” she hesitated. He started, as if he had forgotten she was there, then stopped walking and turned to face her. “Is there anything I can do...?” she asked softly. 

“What?” His response was sharp. 

“Look, I’m not going to ask you what’s wrong, because it’s really none of my business, and it would be awfully stupid to ask if you’re alright, as you obviously aren’t, so I’m just asking if there’s anything I can do...” She said it all very quickly, looking up at the grim expression so foreign to him. 

“There’s nothing wrong; I’m fine,” he replied brusquely, turning away from her and starting back down the corridor, albeit at a slower pace. 

She watched him for a moment, but his eyes were focused straight ahead of him, and he did not seem to notice her gaze. She looked away. 

“I’m not an idiot, you know,” she began lightly. “In fact, I flatter myself that many people around here would tell you I’m rather a smart girl. And you’re a very bad liar, Remus. So if you don’t want to talk to me, that’s fine, but at least have the decency to be honest with me.” She trailed off, not quite able to hide the hurt in her voice. 

She was jealous again: jealous of his friends and that fact that even now, when they were fighting, he would not talk about them; he would not criticize them behind their backs; he would not exploit the fact that they hurt him. She was jealous because she wanted to have that closeness with someone - with him - and did not. If Lily was honest with herself, she knew that there was some amount of guilt and shame mixed into her emotions: it was only a few short weeks ago that she had complained about her friends to him when they had merely annoyed her, and now, faced with a worse situation, he was taking the high road. 

 

Remus had stopped again and was now looking at her, his expression softened. 

“I’m sorry, Lily,” he said in the familiar gentle tone. “I didn’t mean to snap at you.” He looked away again, wiping his hand across his face. “It’s not–It’s not that I don’t want - There are just...some things you don’t know... Some things I can’t talk about...”

“It’s okay.” Lily whispered. She felt horrible for making him even more upset. 

After a moment’s thought, she opened her mouth again. It took three tries of opening her mouth and shutting it before she found the courage to speak. “Remus, I-I do know...m-more than you think I do...” She glanced sideways at him. 

His head whipped around to her, his anxious eyes asking the question that his voice could not. 

“I-I I know...” Lily looked away, her eyes moving across the floor, the walls, both sides of the corridor. “I-I know about, about your... _thing_... Your monthly...problem...” 

She turned back to see a myriad of emotions crossing his face. After a moment his eyes closed and his nose crinkled in anger and disgust. 

“He told you! That bastard!”

“No one told me,” Lily cut in. “I figured it out for myself.” He was trying to turn away, refusing to look at her. “Like I said, I’m a smart girl, and you’re a poor liar...” She offered him a small smile, which he did not even see. 

He tried to walk away, but Lily grabbed on to his arm, holding him back. “Remus, I’ve known for a long time. If it made any difference to me, I wouldn’t still be standing here.”

That finally prompted him to look back at her, his expression unreadable. “Y-you...”

She pulled her arm away, knowing what he was about to ask. “Give me _some_ credit!” she retorted, stung. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered dismally. “I’m sorry for insinuating th-that you...”

Lily sighed, defeated, and interrupted him. “No, Remus, I’m sorry. I didn’t tell you to make you feel worse, or to lord anything over you, or anything like that. I just - I know that’s where you were the other day, and...” She paused, and decided to start over. “Look, if you don’t want to talk to me, I understand, but I don’t want you to feel like you _can’t_ talk to me.”

He nodded at the floor in response. 

There was a long silence, in which Remus stared and the ground, and Lily stared at Remus. She had just decided that he was not going to say anything further, and was about to start walking again, when she heard him sigh. 

“Did you read the _Daily Prophet_ last Thursday?” he asked her shoes. 

“Yes,” she answered briefly, hoping he would keep talking. 

“Then you know what I’m referring to?”

“Yes.” 

She remembered very well. There had been a rather inflammatory article claiming that new intelligence proved that Voldemort had many werewolves in his employ. It went on to imply that all werewolves would naturally be drawn to him, and that it was only a matter of time before they all became champions of his cause. In light of these new “developments,” legislation was being considered that would register, tag and monitor all werewolves in wizarding Britain, further divorcing them from normal society, and perpetuating an age-old prejudice. 

“And what did you think?” Remus was continuing. 

“I thought was appalling, didn’t you?”

He didn’t answer, but sat down wearily on the wide ledge of the window and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, resting his head in his hands. 

“When I read it, I thought it was horrific, disgusting... But there is some truth in it. Not that we- _I_ would ever join Voldemort, but there’s no denying that I am a menace to society, and let’s face it: that’s what everyone is really afraid of...” His voice was bitter, and he once again addressed the floor. 

“What happened, Remus?” Lily inquired gently but firmly, taking a step toward him. 

When he did not respond, she moved so she stood directly in front of him, looking down at his bowed head. He looked up when he realized she was so close. 

“Tell me,” she entreated in a whisper. 

His eyes were haunted as he shifted them away from her, to the sides and then finally back to the floor. He covered his face, hiding. When he finally spoke, Lily had to strain to hear the low murmur of his voice. 

“The other night, I don’t really remember what happened; I never do - it’s like losing your mind once a month – I only have little flashes of memory... But I could tell that something had happened. I asked them what it was because they were with me,”

“How?” Lily gasped involuntarily. 

“I can’t tell you that!” he snapped, looking up sharply. 

“Alright, alright... I’m sorry, continue,” she muttered soothingly. 

He sighed and put his head in his hands again. “They were with me, and they’re supposed to keep track of me, because I-I can’t really control w-what I do. And, I guess w-we just weren’t being as careful as we should have been, and...” He trailed off, shaking his head. 

“Remus, whatever happened, it wasn’t your fault,” Lily whispered, her heart pounding. 

“They didn’t want to tell me; that’s how I knew it was bad. But I made James tell me, even though Sirius really didn’t want to, because I had to know...” His voice wavered. “There was a little boy. In Hogsmeade.” 

Lily closed her eyes, afraid of what was coming. 

“I can almost picture him; I can remember being so, so close to him... They told me I didn’t bite him, and I know they wouldn’t lie to me. And I think – I hope – I would remember it if I had bitten anyone. They told me they pulled me off him at the last second, and he ran away... I know it could have been so much worse, but that’s already bad enough, and... And I just can’t believe they let it happen. They didn’t help me; they didn’t stop me...”

“Remus,” Lily began gently. “Remus, look at me.” 

He did not move, so she put a hand on either side of his face and lifted his head. 

“It’s not your fault,” she whispered earnestly. 

His eyes looked anywhere except hers, his face full of self-loathing. Lily’s expression softened as she regarded him, and she stepped even closer, standing between his knees and putting her arms around him. 

Remus stiffened at her touch, as if unused to physical affection, but she refused to let go. After a moment of resisting, he melted into her embrace, wrapping his arms around her waist and holding onto her tightly as she cradled his head against her chest. Lily felt his face crumple, and she held him even closer, one hand threaded in his shaggy hair, the other around his shoulders. 

 

She hugged him in silence for a long interval, feeling his breathing shudder as a damp patch grew around her collarbone, and as he quieted, she ran her fingers through his hair, resting her own head against his. Finally, with a sigh, he let go of her, but she did not step away, again placing her hands on either side of his face as he finally met her gaze. Lily gave him a hint of a smile as she gently moved her thumbs across his cheeks, wiping away his tears. He did not quite return the smile, but did not look away. 

“It’s really not your fault, Remus; you can’t blame yourself,” she repeated, her eyes boring into his. “If they could have helped you sooner and didn’t, this lies on their heads, not yours.”

His eyes moved downward again. 

“You are not a monster, Remus,” she whispered, still caressing his face. “You’re just an ordinary person with a problem.” He did manage a wry smile at that, though Lily saw another tear leaking out of the corner of his eye. “And no one who matters thinks any less of you for it,” she insisted. 

Remus brought his gaze back up to her face, as if needing confirmation of her words. On impulse, Lily leaned forward and pressed a tender kiss to his forehead, the tip of his nose, his lips... 

She lingered there for a brief moment before pulling away and looking into his eyes again. Her thumbs again brushed the stray tears off of his cheeks as she watched him, trying to read his mixed emotions. 

“You know,” she began, giving him a shrewd look. “A few weeks ago this friend of mine told me that all friends have spats...” She saw the beginnings of a sheepish smile appearing on his face. “He told me that there is nothing wrong with getting upset with your friends, and it doesn’t make you disloyal, or a bad person, or anything like that...” 

“I know,” he whispered, his voice cracking a little. “But...” He hesitated, his eyes searching her face. 

Lily stepped away from him and held out her hands. He took them, and she gently pulled him up from the window ledge, until he stood in front of her, still holding both of her hands. It was he who wrapped his arms around her this time, and she responded, squeezing his waist tightly for a moment before turning, one arm still holding him close, and leading him back down the hallway. 

 

They walked a few slow paces, arms still about each other and sides pressed together, before Lily spoke: 

“You left something out about friends, you know,” she said gently. “As much as we may put up with them annoying us, or making us angry, or being insensitive or even hurting us, there is a limit. There is a line with friends; only you can decide where it is, but there is a line, and once it’s been crossed, there is no going back...” She was sure he knew what she was thinking of. 

“What about with brothers?” asked Remus, quietly. 

“I don’t have any brothers,” she responded, knowing she was evading his question. 

She felt his eyes on her before he spoke. “What about family, then? Do you think there is a line with family?” 

 Lily thought of her mother, who had given up on life years ago, and now could not even remember her own daughter’s birthday. She thought of her sister, once her dearest friend, who now barely acknowledged her existence. 

“No,” she whispered. “There is no line with family.” 

Remus’ arm tightened around her shoulder, as if he could feel the pain that his question had caused her. She looked up to see him finally wearing a gentle smile, which she returned, glad he was himself again. 

 

They reached the Fat Lady’s portrait in silence and entered the empty common room. At the foot of the girls’ stairs, Remus pulled her into a close embrace, lifting her up onto her toes as he held her tightly. 

“By the way,” Lily heard him murmur in her ear, “you’re wrong about having no brothers: you’ve got me...” 

She grinned into his shoulder as he kissed her temple, and beamed at his warm smile when he finally pulled away. She let her hand travel once again to his face, caressing it briefly before he began to walk away, her hand moving to his shoulder and along his arm, holding his hand for a fleeting second until only their fingertips brushed, and he was gone. 

 

 


	5. An Interlude about Boys

A/N:  So, is anyone still reading this....?  Hello?  If you are, I would love reviews! ;)  This is another short, silly chapter that took on a life of its own... 

 ___________________________________________________________________________

 

 

Lily successfully avoided questions about her late return the previous evening through her morning classes and lunch. Her discussion with Remus had been very private, and she had no desire to involve Caroline or Marianne in any of it. She managed to placate their inquiries by claiming that she had been working in the common room after patrols and had fallen asleep. 

Lily spent her free period immediately after lunch completing her Transfiguration homework in the library, then began the long, cold trek out to the greenhouses for Herbology. As she reached the Entrance Hall, a light touch on her arm stopped her. She turned and looked into Remus’ gently smiling face. Lily’s own face broke into a wide grin. 

“Hi,” she whispered. 

“Hey,” he murmured back, his smile growing at the sight of her expression. He moved forward and pushed the doors open, and she followed him out into the snow. 

They walked a short distance in pleasant silence, Lily secretly reveling in the fact that their newfound openness had not brought any awkwardness in its wake. It was Remus who broke the silence. 

“So, did you get any sleep last night?” he asked, sounding apologetic. 

“Oh, yes, I’m fine.” Lily waved her hand to dismiss his concern. “Did you? You’re looking a bit tired, still.”

“Well, not that much; they were all still awake when I got back, and we were up rather late talking...”

“And did you get things worked out?” Lily queried gently, her smile fading. 

“Yeah, I think so,” he sighed. “We talked about the whole incident, and I do feel better. You’re right; there are no lines with family, but I’m still glad it was discussed. And yes, they are most definitely family,” he finished firmly, stalling her question. 

“Alright, then. I’m glad.”

Remus cleared his throat and looked down at her, still serious. 

“Lily,” he began softly, “I want to thank you for last night, for just being there...for just being you...”

She looked up at him, surprised. 

“And I meant everything I said,” he continued, now smiling. “You’re family, too.”

Lily’s warm grin was back, and his face mirrored her expression. She squeezed his arm for a moment, leaning in close to him, and felt his light kiss on the top of her head before they turned the corner and entered the greenhouse. 

 

Lily felt a sharp tug on her arm as she moved toward her customary table, and turned to see Caroline and Marianne frowning at her. Caroline’s arms were crossed and Marianne’s eyebrows were raised as they advanced even closer and began whispering. 

“What exactly was all that about?” Marianne asked sharply. 

“All what?” asked Lily, still feigning ignorance. 

“We aren’t stupid you know; we were walking right behind you,” retorted Caroline, her eyes narrowing. 

“Yes, we thought about calling out to you, but we didn’t want to interrupt your little tryst.” Marianne glared at Lily. 

“Oh, for heaven’s sake, there’s nothing going on with him and me!” countered Lily, annoyed as well now. 

“You were with him last night, weren’t you?” Caroline accused her, with uncustomary shrewdness. 

“Well, we did have patrols,” Lily shot back wryly. 

“You know that’s not what she meant,” hissed Marianne as Professor Sprout clapped her hands to get the class’s attention. 

 

The argument continued as they worked to repot a hideously ugly plant whose name Lily thought she probably ought to remember... She was slightly more concerned, however, with trying to keep the stupid thing from biting her, and stemming the ceaseless flow of questions and criticism from her friends. 

“Really, Lily, I don’t understand why you don’t just tell us if something is going on.” Caroline was now wearing her ‘sad puppy’ expression. “It’s not like it’s anything to be ashamed of if you are going out with him!” 

“Merlin! Haven’t you two been listening?” Lily exclaimed, exasperated with their continued disbelief. She smacked the leaves of the ugly plant with her trowel. “There is nothing going on between Remus and me! I am not going out with him!”

“Then why won’t you just tell us where you were last night?” Marianne persisted. 

Lily sighed and shook her head. “I did tell you; you just don’t want to believe me! Caroline, watch what you’re doing! You’re spilling the dirt everywhere! I told you: patrols ran longer than usual, and then I fell asleep in the common room!” 

She wondered vaguely why she was bothering to lie to them. It had started as an attempt to protect Remus, because she knew they would ask far too many questions if they found out that she knew about the Marauders’ row, and it was an extension of her natural tendency to keep her friendship with him private, especially in light of how he had opened up to her last night. Now, she knew she was just being stubborn, but she could not see the point in telling them the truth, because they would never believe that her evening with Remus was innocent after she had gone to such lengths to hide it. 

Lily figured it would probably be all over the school by this evening that she was going out with Remus Lupin, since she doubted that anyone in the class was ignorant as to the topic of discussion at her table. Alice and her Hufflepuff partners at the next table could surely make out their whispers, and immediately behind Lily’s table was the supply counter, to which students had been flocking all class period. 

She stole a glance at the Marauders’ table across the room. All certainly seemed to be forgiven among them: Peter and Sirius had their heads together, and James was grinning mischievously at whatever it was that they were saying while Remus looked on, smiling as well. They were clearly planning something, and Lily felt a jolt of trepidation when Peter’s eyes moved to the table where she and her friends stood. Remus glanced up and caught her gaze for a split second, giving her a small sympathetic smile before returning to his work. The sinking feeling only increased as she realized that they, too, knew what was going on at her table. 

 

“So, why is Remus looking at you?” Marianne asked, raising her eyebrows at Lily. 

“Maybe because he, like everyone else in this room, can tell what is being discussed at this table,” Lily retorted. 

“He kissed you, Lily; we saw!” cried Caroline, refusing to be distracted. 

Lily rolled her eyes. “He didn’t kiss me like we’re going out; he kissed me like we’re friends!” 

“Friends don’t kiss at all!” Marianne asserted. 

“Well, yours obviously don’t,” Lily snapped in an undertone. 

“And what homework was this that you were doing when you fell asleep, anyway?” continued Marianne. “I don’t believe you had any – you finished it all earlier.”

“Charms.” Lily said the first thing that came to mind. 

“Ha!” cried Marianne. “You finished that essay at lunch yesterday!”

“Yes, well, I wanted to go back over it,” said Lily, thinking fast. “Don’t give me that look! I did! We talked about it on patrols and I decided I wasn’t satisfied with it, so I...”

She was abruptly cut off by Marianne’s scream and a gasp from Caroline. Lily clapped her hand over the lower part of her face as a foul stench filled the room. 

Peter Pettigrew was standing at the supply table behind them, looking sheepish. A large canister that had been full of dragon dung fertilizer lay sprawled on the floor, while the majority of its contents had splattered across the back of Marianne’s robes. Caroline had fared almost as badly, and looked as if she were close to tears. Marianne was livid and spluttering incoherently at Peter, who was apologizing profusely, both to the girls and to Professor Sprout, but gave Lily the tiniest of winks as he returned to his table. 

The rest of the class passed in relative silence as Marianne fumed, seemingly too furious to grill Lily any further, while Caroline had lost all interest in everything except getting the dragon dung off of her robes. The two girls were excused ten minutes early so that they could clean themselves up, and Lily found herself walking back to the castle alone, until Peter and Remus caught up with her. They were both smirking, and Lily shook her head at them. 

“That was mean,” she admonished. 

“So was the way they were picking on you,” Remus replied. 

“Yeah, there was no harm done. No one except us knows that it was anything except my klutzy nature,” insisted Peter, his grin widening. “And it was awfully fun...”

Both boys laughed, and Lily couldn’t help joining them, though she still shook her head and felt guilty. 

“The looks on their faces were priceless,” she conceded, “and I guess they’ll clean up all right, even if it was a bit mean.” 

“Well, they were slandering us, too, implying that you were sneaking off with Moony,” Peter remarked casually, but Lily’s eyebrows rose. 

“Oh? And an accusation of being involved with me would constitute slander?” she inquired archly, with a glance at Remus. 

“Erm, I think this is my cue to leave...” Peter muttered, still smirking, as he rushed ahead to join Sirius and James. 

“I-I don’t think that quite came out the way he intended,” faltered Remus. 

“And how exactly would that have been?” Lily continued in the same tone, turning to look at him more fully. 

“Look, Lily,” he began. 

“I’m just kidding, Remus,” she rushed to assure him, putting her hand on his arm. 

“I know,” he continued. “It’s just – I mean...” He paused and looked away from her, then turned back, and, taking her hand, fixed her with a rather cheeky smile. “As much as I appreciated – and enjoyed – your kiss last night, I meant what I said,” his grin faded to a gentle smile. “I love you like a sister, and I’m completely content with that.” 

Lily had blushed at his initial teasing, but recognized the serious undertone of his words. “I know,” she began softly. “That’s how I feel, too. I couldn’t be happier with what we have.”

“Good,” he whispered back. “And, by the way, having my name coupled with yours in gossip is anything but slander, Lily Evans...” He grinned at her again as he kissed her hand, then ran ahead to join his friends. 

Lily smiled and shook her head at him as he left. She wondered for a moment why on earth she was not in love with him. As wonderful as he was, she was more than content with their close platonic relationship. She wanted nothing more from him than to hear the words he had spoken to her: that he cared deeply about their friendship; that she was like family to him; that she was placed almost in the same category with his closest friends. _Maybe I am crazy for not falling for him_ , Lily thought to herself, _but at least I’m crazy and happy_...

 

*******

 

“Lily! Marianne!” Caroline called up the dormitory stairs one evening early in March. 

“Caroline, shut up! You’ll wake the first-years!” Marianne scolded, not moving from her bed as Caroline entered the room. 

“Oh, I don’t care! I had to run and tell you – I’m so excited!” Caroline was practically dancing around the room. 

“What on earth is going on, Caroline?” sighed Lily, still scribbling away at an essay. 

“I’m going to Hogsmeade!” she sang dreamily, wandering around the room. 

Lily and Marianne exchanged looks. 

“Funny, I would have thought that the excitement would wear off after nearly four years...” Lily remarked dryly. 

“Oh, Lily, don’t start that with me! I have a date!!!” she squeaked, waving her arms wildly. 

Lily raised her eyebrows. “I hope he’s worth the hype!”

“Oh, Lily, stop it,” Marianne chided. “Well, tell us who!” She turned to Caroline expectantly. 

“Jeremiah!” Caroline sighed, clasping her hands and pretending to swoon. 

“Smith??” asked Marianne incredulously. 

“Of course, who else do you know with a pretentious name like Jeremiah?” Lily muttered. 

“He’s not pretentious!” snapped Caroline, narrowing her eyes. 

“I didn’t say he was! I said his name is pretentious, and that’s not really his fault,” Lily replied, but Caroline was not listening, and continued as if Lily had not spoken. 

“He’s handsome and dreamy and wonderfully gorgeous – _oof_!” 

She was cut off as Marianne’s pillow smacked her in the stomach. 

“Enough already!” Marianne complained. 

“Alright, fine, I’m being silly! But I am excited! I’ve liked him for sooo long! It is a big deal!” Caroline pleaded with wide eyes. 

“Yes, we know, and we are happy for you, Caroline, we’re just teasing,” said Lily gently. 

“Oooh, I can’t wait! I know I’m going to walk around all week with a silly grin on my face!” Caroline continued to gush. “I have a date with Jeremiah! I have a date with Jeremiah!”

“Yes, we know!” Marianne called over her. Then her face fell. “Oh, no!”

“What?” asked Lily. 

“Well, if Caroline has a date, and you have a date, too, Lily, well that leaves me all alone!” she whined. 

Lily rolled her eyes again. “How many times do I need to tell you guys: I don’t have a date!”

“Well, you are spending the day in Hogsmeade with Remus...” Caroline called in a singsong voice, still grinning from ear to ear. 

Lily glared back at her. “I am not spending the day with him; I’m having a drink with him. That’s hardly going to take all day!” 

“And what do you call having a drink with him, besides a date?” Marianne inquired, raising her eyebrows. 

“I call it ‘celebrating my friend’s birthday,’” retorted Lily. “I’m really quite tired of having this conversation! Remus is not my boyfriend; there is nothing going on between us. I don’t know why you two won’t just believe me. The rest of the school has figured that out, but my two best friends haven’t!” 

She turned irritably back to her essay. 

“Lily, we believe you,” Caroline said in what she probably thought was a soothing tone. “We said we were sorry for thinking you lied to us a couple of weeks ago! We know you’re not really going out with him, it’s just that we can’t help but notice that you do spend an awful lot of time with him, and even if he isn’t your boyfriend now, who knows what will happen in the future...”

Lily ignored her. 

“We like Remus; really, we do,” Caroline was continuing. “We think it would be great if you went out with him; you two obviously get on so well! We don’t mind in the least what happens with you and him, Lily; we just want you to be happy!” 

Lily still did not acknowledge her, and Marianne broke in, sensing before Caroline, as usual, that Lily was done discussing this topic. 

“Well, whatever you’re doing, Lily, you have other plans, and now Caroline has a date, so what am I going to do with myself on Saturday?” 

“Oh, we should find you a date, too, Marianne!” cried Caroline, excited again. 

“Who with?” Marianne asked skeptically. 

“Who do you want to go with?” responded Caroline coyly. 

Marianne narrowed her eyes at Caroline. “No one,” she muttered briefly. 

“Well, we all know that’s not true,” Caroline remarked casually. “You’re just afraid he’ll turn you down!” 

Marianne’s eyes narrowed even further. “I’m not asking him, so you can just drop it, Caroline!” 

“He wouldn’t go with you anyway, sorry,” Lily added, finally joining back in the conversation. 

“What do you mean he wouldn’t go with her? What’s wrong with Marianne?” Caroline retorted defensively. 

“Nothing’s wrong with Marianne,” said Lily, remaining calm. “None of them are taking dates to Hogsmeade, that’s all. They’re celebrating Remus’ birthday and it’s some sort of code: ‘mates before dates’ or something like that.” 

“Aww, that’s so sweet!” giggled Caroline. 

Lily rolled her eyes for a third time. “Sweet” was not a word she would have chosen to describe the Marauders as a group. 

“Well, maybe you’ll have better luck next Hogsmeade weekend,” Caroline continued, winking at Marianne. 

It was Marianne’s turn to roll her eyes. “I am _not_ going to ask Sirius Black to go to Hogsmeade with me. Ever.”

“Then who are we going to set you up with? Come on, we need to find you someone!” Caroline flopped down on Marianne’s bed and grinned up at the other two girls. 

“Why can’t we set Lily up instead?” Marianne sighed. 

“Oh, no. There will be none of that!” said Lily emphatically. 

“No, she’s got Remus, and you know that never works, anyway. What’s Lily’s record for longest boyfriend? Four weeks?” teased Caroline. 

“I think it was two,” countered Marianne. 

Lily glared at them. “It was three. And it was doomed from the start; I don’t know why I waited that long to break it off. I never even liked Jacob Corner; I only went out with him because _someone_ kept telling me what a wonderful person he was...”

“He is a nice boy! He’s so sweet, not to mention adorably cute, and he’s awfully smart and helpful in classes,” gushed Caroline. 

“And dry as dust,” remarked Lily. “If you like him so much, you go out with him.”

“No thanks, I’ve got Jeremiah!” Caroline squeaked again. “Anyway, we all know you’re going to end up with Remus eventually, Lily, so it’s Marianne who needs to find someone.”

Lily shook her head, but decided to ignore Caroline’s persistent predictions about her relationship with Remus. 

“Caroline, really, there’s no one I want to go out with,” Marianne protested. 

“Except Sirius Black.”

Marianne sighed. “Alright, fine. I have a little bit of a crush on Sirius Black! What do you want me to do, scream it off of the Astronomy Tower or announce it in the Great Hall? It’s not like I’m the only one – he’s gorgeous!”

“But he’s also a prat,” added Lily. “I don’t care how good-looking he is, he’s an arrogant git. He’s almost as bad as Potter!”

“Well I still wouldn’t say no to a date with him,” retorted Marianne. “And he’s not exactly the relationship type anyway; he’s commitment-phobic like Lily.” Lily stuck her tongue out at her. “So it’s not like you’d have to put up with him being a prat,” Marianne continued. “It would just be a date or two and some fun. You could just look at him all evening...” She sighed dreamily and Lily rolled her eyes yet again. 

“I don’t know, I’d rather have a boyfriend type of bloke... Like Jeremiah!” Caroline remarked. 

Marianne hit Caroline with her pillow again. 

“Right, sorry,” she giggled. “So who are we setting you up with besides Sirius Black?” 

“No one. There’s no one worth dating,” Marianne muttered. 

“Oh, we’ll find you someone!” crooned Caroline optimistically. 

“I’ve got to agree with Lily, though, the last two boys I went out with were dreadfully dull. I don’t want any more dull boys,” complained Marianne, wrinkling her nose. 

“Well, Benjy and Mary broke up, so you could go out with him,” Lily teased. “I’m sure that relationship would be anything but dull...” She ducked as Marianne’s pillow flew over her head. “You know you two get on like a house on fire!” Lily continued, smirking cheekily at them as she threw the pillow back. 

“Yeah, the house would literally be on fire!” snickered Caroline, earning herself another smack from the pillow. “Oi, stop hitting me!” she cried, as she grabbed her own pillow and retaliated. 

Marianne tried to glare at Lily and Caroline, but had to laugh as she fell victim to Caroline’s haphazard pillow attack. 

By the time Alice arrived upstairs, the air was full of feathers and giggles, and plans for an early night had been completely forgotten...

 

 


	6. Second Impressions

A/N:  I finally updated!  This is another long-planned chapter, but I kind of hate the way it turned out, so comments would be greatly appreciated! :p 

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Remus’ birthday passed more quietly than expected. It seemed as though his request that all parties, pranks, celebrations and other Marauder-like activities be postponed until the following Saturday had been respected, much to Lily’s surprise. The calm did not last through the following day, however: 

As Lily walked up to the common room after dinner she could not help but notice loud crashes coming from an unused classroom on one of the upper floors. Assuming it was Peeves wreaking his normal havoc on the school, she headed towards the classroom and threw open the door, only to find Sirius Black nonchalantly smashing desks against the wall with his wand. Lily watched in shock for a moment before finding her voice. 

“Sirius Black, what the hell are you doing?” she asked bluntly. 

His head rotated slowly and he glared at her for a few seconds before turning his back to her again. “Bugger off, Evans,” he snapped. 

“Excuse me?” Lily retorted over the din of another desk smashing. “You cannot just stand here making a huge ruckus and expect no one to say anything!” 

“I said, ‘go away,’” was his only comment. 

“What exactly do you think you’re doing?” she repeated, louder this time. “You’re lucky I’m the one who found you and not a teacher!”

Sirius turned completely to face her this time. “Oh, yes, I’m _so_ lucky! You’re just the person I want to see right now!” His voice was dripping with sarcasm. “Exactly what part of ‘go away’ do you not understand?”

“What is the matter with you?” she asked, her temper rising in response to his rudeness. “I asked you a simple question! I only came in here at all because I thought it was Peeves making all the noise!”

“And as I am clearly not Peeves, you can turn right back around and walk out again.” He did not bother to look at her as he spoke, desks still crunching into the wall. 

“I am a prefect! I cannot just let this go!” 

“Go ahead, then, take some points off; I don’t care as long as you get out and leave me the hell alone!” Sirius was yelling now. 

Lily narrowed her eyes at him. “You’re missing the point entirely!” 

“No, I’m not,” he retorted, still facing away from her as the desks started flying once again. “This concerns you only if you want to play Miss Perfect Prefect and take off house points. Otherwise, it’s none of your damn business what I do or where I do it!” 

“Who do you think you are?” Lily asked scathingly. “Who do you think you are that you have the right to tell me that this is none of my business? Being popular makes you above the rules, does it? It gives you the right to stand there destroying school property, and causing such a din that it’s a wonder the whole school doesn’t show up?” 

She could read disdain mingled with the anger in his face as he turned again. “And being a prefect gives you the right to nose into everyone’s business?” he remarked acidly. He let out a brief mirthless laugh as he shook his head at her and waved his wand once. All of the desks repaired themselves and flew back to their proper places. “There’s your damaged school property,” he said, giving her a pointed look. “Now are you taking points off, or are you just leaving?”

Lily glared at him, her gaze becoming suspicious. “This isn’t funny.”

It was Sirius’ turn to glare. “Brilliant observation,” he retorted ironically. 

She did not move as she continued to watch him. “If this is some sort of prank...” 

She was cut off by his disgusted snort. “Yeah, because that’s all I am, you know,” he began cynically. “That’s all I do: pull pranks. I’m only good for a laugh; I don’t have any real thoughts or ever do anything genuine!” He took two steps forward. Lily tried not to shrink back as his narrowed eyes bored into her face and his tone darkened. “And you, of course, as the expert on all things pertaining to my life, would know that perfectly!” He shoved the nearest desk away, toppling it with his hands instead of his wand as he said the last word. 

Lily looked away. She could tell he was hurt as well as angry. 

“If you stopped bloody judging everyone, Evans,” he continued in a low, intense voice that was worse than the yelling, “and took two minutes to actually know the people around you, you’d find that there’s more to people than you might think from whatever first impression you make, and they are a hell of a lot more than you give them credit for!” 

He stormed around her and out the door, not neglecting to slam it. 

Lily stood rooted to the spot, stunned by his words. 

 

It wasn’t that they had had a row; she was used to having verbal squabbles with people. If she was being objective, she could admit that she was probably a rather argumentative person herself. Her rows were not usually like this, though. With James Potter, for example, it was often arguing for the sake of arguing, perhaps because one of them was in a bad mood; it was the same issues over and over, until they didn’t even matter. It was all bark and no bite. This spat with Sirius, though, was so much worse. _This is how Petunia wants our fights to be_ , Lily thought wryly; Petunia wanted her words to hurt as Sirius’ had. 

And his words had hurt; that was just it. They had cut her deeply because they were true. She was beginning to realize that she did have a tendency to judge people and assume she knew all about them, when that was far from being the case. Hadn’t she done just that with Alice and Benjy? She was always surprised when Caroline and Marianne stepped out of the mould into which she expected them to fit. And how many chances had she given Severus over the years, while people like Sirius and – since she was being brutally honest with herself – James Potter got only one, in her book. 

Lily felt tears burning her eyes as she stood staring at the solitary desk lying on the floor. Sirius had been rude and biting; he had had no right to say the things he had said to her, but that did not erase the accuracy of his words. Somehow, a relative stranger had hit her where it hurt most, finding the trait that she was learning to hate about herself above all else, fueling her growing insecurity. 

Lily covered her face as her tears began to fall in earnest. Time lost all meaning as she stood there sobbing, loathing herself, her anger at Sirius forgotten. 

 

*******

 

The following morning, Lily felt that her emotions had regained some sort of balance, and with it had come a new wave of indignation at the way Sirius had treated her. She resolved to speak to him about it; it did not matter who he was, she could not let him get away with the things he had said to her. 

Lily was feeling confident and determined as she walked into the library during her first free period. Those feelings quickly faded as she peered through the Potions stacks, hoping to find a book to give her a head start on her essay, but instead spotting Sirius Black sitting at a nearby table. 

She cursed inwardly as she stopped dead in the middle of the aisle. This was the last place she had expected to find Sirius. Since when did he study? For all of her feigned confidence, she had only no idea what she was going to say to Sirius, only the abstract idea that she could not let yesterday’s situation go. 

After standing in the same place for a full minute, Lily took a deep breath, remembering that she was supposed to be a Gryffindor after all, and began walking between the library stacks toward Sirius’ table. 

“I want a word with you,” she said briefly, the words coming out more aggressively than she had intended. 

His quill stopped and his eyes closed for a second, but he did not look up at her. “I’m not in the mood for a row, Evans,” he replied quietly. 

“I said I want a word; I didn’t come here for a row.” She failed to moderate her voice again. 

“Your tone suggests otherwise,” Sirius said in the same quiet manner, moving his eyes to look at her while the rest of his body remained still. 

Lily sighed. “I want to talk to you about yesterday.” This time she managed to speak quietly and calmly. 

Sirius considered her for a moment before responding. “Sit down,” he said, finally. It was not gentle enough to be an invitation, but fell short of being an order. 

“Why should I?” Lily asked suspiciously. 

“Because I asked you to; because it would be the polite thing to do, and because you’re drawing attention to us, and if you get me kicked out of the library and I can’t finish my homework, we will have a row!” He said it all very quickly, but still kept his cool. 

Lily glanced to each side before slowly pulling out the chair and sitting down, feeling a bit sheepish. Trying to regain her composure, she sat up as tall as her petite frame would allow and looked squarely at him, mustering her courage. 

“You had absolutely no right to say the things that you said to me yesterday,” she began. “You had no right to treat me that way; it was rude and mean and hurtful and...” 

“I know,” he interrupted, stalling her. “I know,” he repeated, almost in a whisper, when she made no reply. “I’m sorry.” 

Lily just stared at him. This was not the response she had expected; never in a million years would she have imagined that he would just apologize. She saw the corner of his mouth twitch upward in a regretful smile at her shocked expression. 

“I’m not the horrible person you think I am. I was having an awful day yesterday and I know there is really no excuse for the way I treated you. I am sorry.” 

Lily was still speechless, trying to reconcile this Sirius with the Sirius who had yelled at her yesterday. After a moment, her eyes narrowed again. 

“What are you playing at?”

He let out a breath that might have been a sigh or a strange, sad laugh. 

“I’m not playing at anything: I’m being honest. Is that so unbelievable? I’m not proud of the things I said to you yesterday; I’m not proud of the way I acted; I’m not proud of the fact that I have a temper. Is it really so impossible that I would apologize?” He shook his head and looked away from her. 

That indescribable frustration from yesterday was back in his voice, but he did not sound angry, just tired. Lily could, like yesterday, read the unspoken hurt in his tone, and she relented, feeling guilty as well, now. She had not quite behaved like a saint herself. 

“No, it’s not,” she said softly. “You’re right: I don’t know you. And I’m not proud of the things I said yesterday, either. I did judge you. I’m sorry, too.”

It was Sirius’ turn to sit in silence and watch her, and she wondered if he was as surprised at her apology as she was at his. He finally nodded, smiling slightly. “I think we both touched nerves,” he murmured, almost in a whisper. 

Lily looked down at the table as she gave him a tiny nod, somehow feeling very vulnerable. 

“It’s okay to admit you have them, you know,” he said in the same tone. 

She glanced up to see a crooked smile growing on his face, and couldn’t help but smile a little herself as she nodded again, looking back to the table. She felt rather confused with the direction this conversation had taken; she had expected another confrontation of sorts, but it had evolved into a rather revealing, intimate exchange. 

A soft laugh from Sirius caused Lily to jerk her head up. 

“What?” she asked brusquely, feeling defensive and uneasy again. 

He smiled at her, his eyes twinkling. “I was just wondering where we go from here...” 

“What?” she repeated, confused and still a little apprehensive. 

“Well, do we just go back to being casual enemies?” he asked, still smiling his crooked smile. 

“‘ _Casual enemies_?’ That sounds awful!” Lily tried to be indignant, but she couldn’t help a small snicker at his assessment of their relationship. 

Sirius joined in her laughter. “It’s true, though,” he remarked rather pointedly. 

“But you make it sound as though I just casually hate people!” Lily protested. 

He only laughed harder for a moment, then stopped and grinned at her. “Let’s change things then...” His smile softened. “Let’s start over.” 

“What do you mean?” she asked, sobering as well. 

“Let’s put everything behind us: all the nonsense from the past six years. Let’s just start fresh; wipe the slate clean... A second chance for both of us. No more judging from you; no more arrogance from me. A whole new beginning.” They were both grinning again. “Or we’ll try anyway,” Sirius amended. “Fair enough?”

“Fair enough,” Lily assented. 

He held out his hand to her, still grinning. “Sirius Black,” he said unnecessarily. 

Lily laughed outright at the sheer ridiculousness of his actions, but decided to play along. “Lily Evans,” she giggled, and took his hand. 

“The pleasure is all mine, Lily,” he replied extravagantly, inclining his head as he squeezed her hand. 

 

Lily shook her head at him, laughing again, as she watched him begin to gather his parchment and books. She picked up her own unopened bag, and suddenly felt uncomfortable as she realized that they would be leaving for class soon and this conversation and newfound... _whatever_...would have to leave the comfortable privacy of the library. It was easy enough to say the words, but she was not sure exactly what it was that he wanted to put into practice. Deciding that maybe she could just slip out quietly and avoid the awkwardness of defining exactly what this ‘starting over’ entailed, she stood up and turned away from the table. She had not gone two steps when his voice stopped her: 

“Leaving without me?” Sirius asked lightly. 

“N-no, I just-I...” floundered Lily, turning back around. 

“Don’t want to walk to class with your new friend, eh?” he remarked shrewdly. 

“Oh, we’re friends now, are we? I thought we were just not enemies,” Lily put in quickly, trying to turn the tables. 

“I’m an all-or-nothing kind of guy, Lily,” he shrugged. 

She didn’t know what to say to that. 

“I actually thought you were going to go with the ‘starting over’ thing,” he said, a hint of regret in his tone. 

“What exactly is it that you want from me?” Lily cried, confused by his words and manner. 

“Well, honesty would be a good place to start,” he replied dryly. “And beyond that, exactly what I said. Look, we got off to a bad start when we were eleven, but I’d like for us to stop acting like we’re still eleven!”

“But why me? Why now?” 

He looked up at her for a moment before responding. “I don’t like the fact that you think I’m some sort of boor that walks all over people without a thought or a care in the world. I am not that person, Lily Evans, and if you think I am, you are making an uninformed judgment of me, which I don’t appreciate. I am not perfect; I’ve done some pretty stupid things in my life, and maybe sometimes I’m not as serious as I ought to be, but I am a good person. And why you? Why now? I don’t know; maybe yesterday made me think. I wasn’t the only one saying things that I had no right to say. I could write you off like everyone else, but for some reason I’m not this time. Maybe I just really like the idea of seeing you be proven wrong. But the point is that I don’t like you judging me, and I would like you to give me the opportunity to start over, and show you that I am not the person that you think I am.” 

Lily looked away as she processed his words. “You do realize you’re asking a lot of me: to forget six years worth of-of...” She trailed off, sighing. “There were so many things! With you – with all of you! That’s a lot to ask!” 

She turned back to him as she finished speaking, but looked away again as she saw him stand up and walk towards her. 

“I’m not asking you to forget; I’m asking you to let it go – look past it. And you aren’t the only one with things to look past.” He said it gently; it was not an accusation, but Lily jerked her head back. Sirius held her gaze, as if daring her to deny his words. 

“And was it really so much with all of us?” he continued as Lily’s eyes dropped to the floor. “I’m not James, Lily,” he finished in an undertone, walking past her towards the exit. 

 

Lily stood still, as she had when he had left her yesterday. He was asking her to change, to let go, not only of her past with him, but to that hated part of herself. Was she ready for that? Could she really keep an open mind and be friends with Sirius Black? She thought of Alice, to whom she felt closer every day, and Benjy, whose passionate opinions had helped spark her own, and finally of Remus... 

 

“Wait!” she called, hurrying out of the library door. 

Sirius stopped as she ran up to him. 

“I know you’re not James Potter,” Lily began, looking at the ground again. “And I know you’re not eleven anymore. And I’m not, either.” She looked up at him as she finished speaking, hoping that her words would be sufficient for him to understand. 

The corner of his mouth had lifted into his crooked smile as he watched her. After a moment, he bumped his shoulder playfully against hers and said, “Come on, Lily, we’re going to be late. Damn the gossipers and walk with me. And if you’re very nice, I’ll refrain from holding your hand...” 

Lily gave him a look, but could not help smiling back as she fell into step with him, starting down the corridor and what she hoped would be a new chapter in her life. 

 

 


	7. Adjustments

A/N:  I finally updated!  Thanks for the reviews! :)

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Lily was bored. The common room was exceptionally studious, and therefore exceptionally quiet, but Lily had finished her homework early, for once. She sighed and leaned her head on her arms, staring down at the surface of the table. 

“Lily, if you would just let us have a quick glance at your essay for ideas, we would be done so much sooner, and then you wouldn’t have to just sit there while we do work,” Marianne cajoled her. 

Lily lifted her head so her chin was resting on her folded arms and looked up at Marianne and Caroline. “No, I will not let you copy! We can talk about it when you’re done if you like, but I’m _not_ letting you copy. We had a whole week to do that essay; you two should have done it earlier!” 

“Why would we want to talk about it after we’ve finished?” Caroline chimed in. “It’s boring enough the first time around; why would we want to go back and rehash it?” 

“You’re the one who supposedly likes Charms...” commented Marianne. 

“Well, I don’t mind Charms, but I don’t much like writing essays!” Caroline replied petulantly. 

“If you two would stop griping and actually work, you’d be done a lot faster...” Lily said wearily. 

“We’d be done even faster if you’d let us look at your essay!” retorted Marianne. 

Lily just gave her a look and put her head back down on her arms. 

 

“Lily!” called a singsong voice from across the room. 

Lily picked her head up enough to turn it and make a shushing gesture at Sirius, who was grinning cheekily at her. 

He crooked his finger at her, beckoning her over. 

She shook her head. 

He nodded. 

She shook her head again. 

He pouted his bottom lip and made sad eyes at her. 

Lily rolled her eyes as she stood up and crossed the room to where he sat. 

“What?” she asked, putting her hands on her hips as she stood in front of him, still smiling. 

“I’m bored,” he said, as if expecting her to provide an immediate solution to his problem. 

She gave him an incredulous look. “You are such a child!” she cried exasperatedly, as he looked up at her with his crooked grin. 

“I thought we’d established that, in fact, I am no longer a child. Do we need to have that discussion again?” His question was teasing. “You’re bored, too, Lily, I can tell. And your friends are irritating you; I can tell that, too, so sit with me for a while. Let me irritate you, instead.”

Lily couldn’t help laughing at that, and complied, sitting next to him on the couch. 

Sirius grinned even wider as Lily sat down, then stretched his arms out exaggeratedly so one of them wrapped around her shoulders. 

Lily’s eyebrows rose as she looked pointedly back and forth between his face and his hand on her shoulder. 

“Something wrong?” Sirius asked innocently. 

“There appears to be something on my shoulder...” she said dryly. 

“Oh, really? Let me help you with that,” he said in mock-seriousness as he began to rub his hand up and down her arm. 

“Stop that!” she protested, giggling, as she smacked him in the stomach and squirmed out of his embrace. “Remus, help me!” she called, as Sirius curled into the corner of the couch, laughing. 

“I’m not getting involved!” Remus chortled back from the neighboring table where he sat with Peter, raising his hands in surrender. 

“Lily, you are too easy to pick on!” muttered Sirius between giggles. 

She scowled back at him, not really angry. “I won’t sit here with you if you aren’t nice to me,” she warned. 

“I’ll be nice, I promise,” he nodded, trying to hide his smirk. “How about a game of chess?” 

“I’m no good at chess,” Lily complained. 

“Neither is he,” remarked Peter in an undertone, prompting a snort from Remus and another giggle from Lily. 

Sirius glared at him. 

“He’s just looking for someone he can beat, Lily,” Remus added. 

Lily looked at Sirius speculatively for a moment, then smirked. “Think you can beat me, then, do you?” 

He matched her look. “Let’s find out...” 

 

They continued to bicker good-naturedly as they set up the board on the hearth rug and began to play, making Lily wonder both at how she had despised this boy only a few days ago and the ease with which she had slipped into this fun and candid friendship. She had been true to her word with Sirius, even though it had only been a few days: she had tried her best to keep an open mind and refrain from passing judgment on his actions. What Lily had seen in that short time was a fun-loving, honest, open individual, whose moods changed as suddenly and completely as the flick of a switch, but to whom there was more depth than she had ever imagined. 

 

After about five minutes of playing, it became quite clear, even to Lily, that she and Sirius were evenly matched in their chess ineptitude. Sirius’ white pieces had been moved haphazardly around the board, while her own black pieces were quickly becoming fenced in. Lily had begun to regret agreeing to this game, because it was going nowhere fast, and while she was certainly enjoying herself, she did not want to be there when James returned from quidditch. 

The fact that she was now friendly with all three of the other Marauders made Lily feel even more uncomfortable about all things James Potter. But her discussions with Sirius had not been without benefit: he had essentially challenged her to overcome something she hated about herself, providing the impetus that she had needed to make desired changes in her life. Lily wasn’t sure if she would ever be able to overcome everything that had happened with James Potter, but she was ready to stop being that person that held a grudge. 

 

As Lily sat musing, waiting for Sirius to make another seemingly pointless move, Remus and Peter left their table and joined Lily and Sirius on the floor in front of the fire. Remus sprawled next to Lily and momentarily leaned his head against her knee. She ruffled his hair in return, loving the fact that he was so thrilled that she and Sirius had laid aside their differences. Peter sat down on Lily’s other side just as Sirius moved a knight closer to two of her pawns, who began squeaking for her to move them out of harm’s way. Lily sighed as she stared at the board. She could not figure out what Sirius was trying to accomplish with his moves, and it unnerved her. 

“You know,” Peter whispered to her, “if you want to win at chess, you have to know your opponent’s weakness...” 

She turned and looked at him. 

“For instance,” he continued, “if I wanted to beat you, I would set a slow and careful strategy to put you off. You were obviously hoping for a quick game, so the slow pace would unsettle you. It would also make you think too much. People who make mistakes at chess tend to either over-think and over-plan, or under-think and under-plan.” He paused and gave her a shrewd look. “It’s funny that you and Sirius are practically polar opposites...” 

“Hey! No cheating! No helping her!” Sirius scolded. 

Lily glanced at Peter again. She understood what he was getting at, but she was not sure that she would be able to plan and pull off a strategy like he was suggesting. She looked down at Remus, who smiled and shrugged at her encouragingly. Staring back at the board, Lily tried to come up with anything that resembled a strategy. Finally, she realized that she would get nowhere unless she could get her pieces spread out, and then she saw it... If Peter was right, Sirius just might take her bait and fall into a trap. Slowly, she reached out and moved her bishop five spaces, ignoring the protests of several pieces. 

Sirius narrowed his eyes at Peter, then at Lily, clearly suspicious of their whispering, but moved his rook forward to capture Lily’s bishop. He had taken the bait; Peter had been right. 

Lily was surprised when she had found herself in a position to win in less than ten moves. Peter’s hints had paid off. He was observant; that’s why he was good so good at chess. He could read people, including Lily, like a book. Lily had already noticed that he seemed to be a diluted version of his three friends: elements of all three of them had rubbed off on him, but underneath he was the quiet, unassuming boy who noticed everything. And that explained much in Lily’s eyes. It explained how he fit into the Marauder circle, where no one would guess that he belonged: he balanced Sirius’ impulsiveness and backed up Remus’ intuition and sensitivity. As for James, well, Lily could admit that she didn’t know him well enough to presume to know his role. 

 

Lily’s musings were interrupted by a pawn flying past her head. Sirius had, of course, blamed Peter for his loss, and was now throwing the chessmen at him. Lily and Remus roared with laughter as Peter dodged the poorly aimed pawns, all of whom were screeching shrilly as they flew across the room. The scene came to an abrupt halt when one pawn flew high in the air, where it was caught by Marianne. Caroline stood next to her, holding her arms over her head defensively. 

“Sorry,” muttered Sirius, nonchalantly. 

“Oh, it’s fine,” Marianne said sweetly, beaming at him. 

Lily and Remus exchanged looks, but Sirius had turned around and had missed her not-so-subtle flirt. 

“Damn it, Wormtail, where’s the last pawn?” Sirius called as he searched around on the floor. 

“You were the one throwing them!” protested Peter. 

“So, were you lot playing chess, or just throwing the pieces about?” inquired Marianne conversationally, as if her question were quite normal. She sat down on the couch, close to Sirius’ place on the floor. 

Sirius finally looked at her, but it was with raised eyebrows. “Of course we were playing. Lily and I played.” 

“Oh, Lily’s simply awful at chess!” was Marianne’s casual response. 

“I won,” Lily retorted smugly, looking up at Marianne from where she sat leaning against the couch with Remus. 

Caroline giggled as Marianne reddened. “Oh, oh, I-I...” she stammered. 

Remus saved her from responding by suddenly coming across the missing pawn and throwing it at Sirius. 

“Hey!” Sirius cried as it hit him squarely in the chest. 

“Oh, are you all right?” Marianne asked earnestly, leaning forward. 

Sirius paused, then turned slightly so he was staring at her out of the corner of his eyes. His gaze flickered to Lily’s face and back to Marianne. “Yes,” he said definitively before sending Lily a dark look, as if it was her fault that Marianne was flirting with him. 

Lily shrugged innocently back at him, while Remus tried to cover his snickering with a cough. 

Marianne glanced around, and, apparently deciding that the situation was not going the way she had planned, spoke up again. “Anyway, we only came over here to tell you, Lily, that we’re going up to bed, if you want to come with us.” 

“Yes, all right, I’m coming,” Lily managed to respond calmly. 

“Goodnight, Lily,” murmured Remus, squeezing her hand as she stood up. 

“Goodnight!” Peter smiled at her. 

“‘Night, Lilykins!” called Sirius as they reached the dormitory stairs. 

Lily shot him a look over her shoulder, which he grinned at. 

“‘Lilykins??’” mouthed Marianne as they headed up the stairs. 

“Shut it,” was Lily’s only response. 

 

*******

 

Lily sighed as she waited in the long queue to exit the front doors of the castle. Beside her, Caroline fussed with her hair, smoothed her skirt, checked her makeup in a pocket mirror and lamented her appearance, then repeated the process ad nauseum. 

“Where is Jeremiah?” she asked for the seventeenth time (Lily had counted). “He said he would meet me in the entrance hall!” 

“Will you give it a rest, Caroline?” snapped Marianne irritably. “He’ll be around here somewhere. It’s impossible to find anyone in this mob!”

Lily sighed again as they finally reached Filch and his long list. 

“Names?” he inquired in a bored tone, without looking up. 

“Lily Evans, Caroline Jeffries, Marianne McAlister,” Lily responded quickly, as Filch made quite a show of finding each of their names. 

“Merlin’s beard!” Marianne cried impatiently. “You know we’re on that list! How many times have we been to Hogsmeade by now??” 

Lily poked Marianne’s arm, hoping she would shut up, but her retort cost them at least another full minute in line, as Filch double- and triple-checked his list for their names. 

Once outside the doors, Caroline became nearly hysterical when she spotted Jeremiah Smith waiting for her on the path. 

“Oh! There he is! Oh no, I look a fright! My hair is awful! Oh dear!” she tittered, prompting Lily to roll her eyes. 

“Don’t be ridiculous; you look lovely. It will be fine! Off you go now!” replied Marianne in a not-so-soothing tone. 

“Have a good time!” Lily called after her. 

The two remaining girls continued slowly down the path, but did not speak. Lily reflected that none of the three were at their best today: Caroline was nearly beside herself with excitement and worry over her date; Marianne was pouting because she did not have plans while the other two did, and Lily was nervous. 

She was glad she had been invited to join in Remus’ birthday celebration, but less than thrilled that it meant spending an afternoon in the company of James Potter. Lily could only imagine how awkward it would be: James Potter, with whom she certainly did not get along, and his three friends, whom she got on with quite well... She consoled herself with the thought that it would make Remus happy if everyone remained civil on his birthday. And she was trying to change. Really trying. This would be a sort of test for her: go into this afternoon with an open mind. No judging James Potter. Yes, that would be quite the test. Lily sighed again. 

“What is the matter with you today, Lily?” Marianne asked rather crossly. “Anyone would think that you didn’t want to go to this birthday thing or whatever you’re calling it! What’s the big deal? You’re chummy with those boys now...” 

“Not all of them,” Lily muttered. 

“Oh, that must have been your evil twin I saw flirting with Sirius Black the other day in the common room, then...” retorted Marianne sarcastically. 

“Must we go through this again, Marianne?” Lily rolled her eyes. “We were not flirting!”

“Looked an awful lot like it to me... He had his arm around you before I came over. I saw!” 

“He was just teasing,” Lily said placatingly. “It’s not flirting if there’s no meaning behind it.” 

“I thought you hated Sirius Black,” Marianne commented, changing the subject. “You said just last week that he was an arrogant prat.” 

“And so he is sometimes,” Lily admitted. “But he’s not an arrogant prat all of the time, and I shouldn’t have said that he was. He’s really not that bad.” She smiled a little, then saw Marianne’s glare. “But I’m not interested in him like that!” she finished definitively. 

Marianne just huffed as they continued walking and entered the main street in Hogsmeade. 

 

*******

 

It was not turning out to be one of the better Hogsmeade visits that Lily could remember. Marianne continued to be ill-tempered and snappish as they browsed through the shelves of sweets in Honeydukes and quill displays at Scrivenshaft’s, and Lily finally excused herself nearly an hour before she had planned to meet Remus, leaving Marianne in Gladrag’s looking at scarves with some Ravenclaws. 

Lily made her way down the main street of Hogsmeade, hoping to find a table in the Three Broomsticks where she could wait for Remus and the others, but one glance through the window of the pub disabused her of that idea. There was certainly no place to sit, even at the bar, and it looked as though standing room was quickly disappearing as well. After a very cursory perusal, Lily saw none of her friends, but could hardly miss the group of Slytherins sitting at the large table closest to the window – a group that included Severus Snape. She moved quickly away from the glass and continued down the road past the pub. 

A short distance away, Lily found a seat on the split-rail fence along the road. The street was empty, and she enjoyed the quiet for a few moments, hearing nothing but the light breeze and a few birds celebrating the spring weather. She had been sitting there fewer than five minutes when Sirius came into view. He was storming down the street at top speed, his cloak whipping about him, and as he came closer, Lily could see his brooding frown. He appeared to be heading for the Three Broomsticks, but turned just as he got to the door and spotted Lily. She saw his stance relax slightly as he changed direction and walked toward her. 

“What’s the matter?” she asked as he sat down next to her on the rail. 

“Nothing,” came his curt response. 

“Liar,” she shot back at him, but then softened her tone. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah.” 

Lily turned to look at him, but he continued to stare straight ahead. She wasn’t sure whether she should push him or not. 

“Another bad day?” she quipped lightly, offering him a chance to turn it into a joke or change the subject. 

Sirius just snorted and closed his eyes in frustration. 

After a pause, he sighed. “I had another row with my damnfool brother,” he said softly, still not looking at Lily. 

“Another?” 

He nodded. “Second this week. I rowed with him that day - when... well, when I was so rotten to you.”

“We’ve already gotten past that,” Lily said soothingly, but decisively. “It was a two-way street – we were rotten to each other, but it doesn’t matter anymore.”

“It just gets to me,” Sirius whispered. “ _He_ gets to me. But I hear that you know all about that.” He finally turned to look at her, and she saw the sadness in his eyes. She recognized it all too well. 

“About what? Having damnfool siblings? Yeah, I do.” 

He gave her just a hint of a smile, but it did not erase the sadness. 

“They never change, you know,” Lily continued, as he looked away again. “I never stop hoping that things will be better, the way they were when we were younger, but I know deep down that it won’t ever happen. They don’t change.”

She heard his sigh as he gazed out over the empty road. 

“Did you read the paper this morning?” he asked suddenly, startling her with the change of subject. 

“Yes.”

“Then you saw about the Death Eater arrest?” 

“Yes.” 

“He’s a cousin of some sort. He used to come over and play with us when we were kids.” He paused. “Not that it’s any real surprise that that’s what he turned out to be; it’s just hard to realize...” Another pause as he trailed off. “I remember thinking he was so fun, so cool...” He sighed and shook his head again. 

Lily’s eyes traveled briefly to the window of the Three Broomsticks and then back to Sirius. 

She opened her mouth to respond, but was cut off by his bark of self-depricating laughter. 

“Yes, I can admit it: I, Sirius Black, used to be friends with Death Eaters...” 

Lily turned her gaze to the ground underneath their seat before once again glancing toward the window of the pub. As she looked back to Sirius, Lily saw his eyes follow the same path that hers had just taken, before they returned to her face. He considered her for a moment with a curious expression before he spoke:

“I guess I don’t have sole claim to that honor, though, do I?” he asked gently. 

Lily shook her head, staring down at the ground. 

Sirius sighed again. “You know, I can sit here and rant about how much I hate the fact that I can make a statement like that, but the truth is, I - _we_ didn’t have all of that information when we were younger; we didn’t know all of that about them, and we didn’t have all that much control over who we were friends with.” 

Lily snapped her head up to face him. “And no one is born that way,” she stated firmly. “They chose that path. They chose to become what they are.” 

“And we chose something different,” Sirius responded softly. “We chose to walk away, even from our friends...” 

Lily could feel her throat burning as she nodded, looking out over his shoulder and blinking repeatedly at the trees that were starting to blur behind tears that she could not believe were welling up. 

His hand came suddenly up to her face, pulling her gaze back to meet his. 

“And find better ones...” he whispered, his grey eyes boring into hers. 

Lily nodded against his palm, the gesture small, but decisive. Sirius gave her a small smile as he removed his hand and looked toward the road again. 

“We can’t all have perfect parents who choose wonderful friends for their little children... Then, of course, my parents probably thought that those were wonderful friends,” he amended cynically, and Lily couldn’t help but laugh. 

“You turned out all right, though.” She smiled gently at him. 

He turned and grinned at her. “Yeah. So did you.” 

 

Their conversation was interrupted by the tinkling of the bell on the pub door. Sirius and Lily both looked up to see a group of boys exiting the Three Broomsticks and starting down the road towards the fence where the two sat. Lily stiffened as she recognized them, and her smile faded as she stared out over the road, not watching their approach. 

Sirius shifted beside her as murmurs came into earshot, and Lily felt blood rush to her face when she heard snickers. She narrowed her eyes. 

The group stopped when they were abreast of Lily and Sirius and turned to face them. Lily deliberately turned to look into the face of the closest boy, glaring at him with one eyebrow raised, refusing to give him the power of staring her down. After a moment, he turned to one of his companions. 

“It’s the mudblood,” Avery said in an unnecessarily loud tone. “The one who was too afraid to come into the pub. Or perhaps she finally realized that outside waiting is where she belongs?” he taunted, leering at Lily. 

Sirius moved again, but Lily did not remove her gaze from Avery’s face. She could feel Sirius looking at her, too, but she did not acknowledge him. 

Her eyebrows rose a bit higher as she considered Avery. “Or maybe I just prefer to sit somewhere where the air has not been polluted by you lot,” she retorted sweetly. 

“Hasn’t anyone ever taught you not to talk back to your betters?” snapped Avery, glaring back at her. 

“I don’t see any of my ‘betters’ here...” Lily remarked dryly. 

A few of the Slytherins took a step toward the fence as more murmurs broke out. 

“Not very smart of you to start something when you’re sitting there all alone, mudblood,” sneered Mulciber from his place beside Avery. 

“Does it look like she’s alone?” asked Sirius softly. 

Mulciber gave him an appraising look. “Yeah, I reckon it does,” he responded scathingly. 

Sirius turned to Lily. “The bloke needs his eyes examined. Maybe I should take care of that for him...” He shifted, and Lily could tell that he was about to reach for his wand. 

“Maybe later,” she shrugged in the same sarcastic tone. “I’m more concerned that they don’t seem to teach basic mathematics in Slytherin... You see, there’s two of us, and one-two-three-four-five-six of them. That makes it three to one. We have nothing to worry about.” 

She could read the wary expression in Sirius’ eyes, but she did not care. Her anger with herself over her earlier nostalgia was making her a bit reckless, and goading the Slytherins was too easy, and much more fun than just walking away from the scene they were trying to tempt her to start. 

Avery seemed to have only grasped the last part of her comments. “Three to one?” he repeated. “Gryffindors: all brawn, no brain,” he scoffed to another member of the group. 

Lily turned back to Sirius. “Slytherins: all bark, no bite,” she mocked. “They won’t start anything unless they have at least a ten-to-one advantage...” 

A new voice broke in over renewed mutterings:

“What’s going on here?”

Lily’s gaze snapped over to Remus, approaching from the opposite direction. 

“Oh, look, now it’s only two to one!” She smiled sardonically at Avery and Mulciber. “Not very good odds, especially for a public place like this...”

Avery glanced around him haughtily. “Who says we’re trying to start something?” he asked, still taunting. “We can stand wherever we like.” He folded his arms in what was clearly supposed to be a challenge. 

Lily smirked ironically at him before turning to Sirius. “Oh, they want to stand here with me! I’m so flattered!” she cried in mock delight. “Only I do wonder what their boss would say. I’m not exactly the most conventional companion for this lot, yeah?” She looked back to the Slytherins and to Avery, who was glaring again. 

“Don’t think we’ve forgotten about you, mudblood,” he threatened as he unfolded his arms and made to continue down the road. 

“Of course not, I’m quite memorable!” she retorted wryly. 

As they began walking away, Lily allowed her gaze to travel to the one person who had remained silent throughout the exchange. His eyes would not meet hers, but she knew that her last words had hit their true target... 

 

Lily turned away from the retreating group, and her defiant smirk faded into a frown. She felt Sirius’ arm come around her shoulders, pulling her close as she stared at the ground. This time she did not push him away. 

When she turned to him, he was looking at the shrinking figures down the road, scowling again. 

“Coward,” he muttered. She noticed that the word was singular. 

Lily gave him a small smile, thinking of their conversation earlier. He returned her smile, hugging her tighter, as Remus came to stand in front of them. 

“You all right?” he asked gently, looking down at Lily, sympathetic as always. 

She nodded up at him. 

“Hey, Moony! Why are you all sitting over here?” James’ voice called as he hurried over to them. “What’s going on?” he asked, upon seeing their expressions. 

Sirius jerked his head towards the Slytherins, his arm still around Lily. 

James turned and glared down the road, recognizing the retreating figures. 

Lily’s nervousness returned as she watched him, silently willing him not to follow them and start the fight that she had succeeded in avoiding. 

“Gits,” he muttered after a pause, then turned to Remus. “Come on, Moony. Don’t let them ruin any more of your birthday. Let’s go. I sent Wormtail inside to find us a table.” 

 

Lily watched in surprise as James turned back toward the Three Broomsticks, Sirius right behind him. He had let it go. He had passed up an opportunity to start a scene, with a group of Slytherins, no less. She had to admit to herself that she was impressed. Maybe he had grown up a bit. 

Suddenly, she felt very stupid and petty. She had been so worried about this afternoon because of James Potter. James Potter. Of all the things to work oneself up about... If she could handle six Slytherins, she could handle James Potter. Especially if he was really going to behave like a more civilized human being... 

 

“Coming?” Remus asked suddenly from beside her, cutting into her thoughts. He was smiling down at her with an all-too-knowing expression. Lily felt the blush creep up her cheeks and saw his shrewd smile grew into a grin. She tried to glare at him, but failed - as usual – and settled for a smirk as he held his hand out and led her up the road to the pub. 

 

 


	8. Rock Bottom

A/N:  Sorry it took so long to update; this chapter ended up being much more difficult to write than I had anticipated.  But thank you for continuing to read and review!  :)

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March passed into April in a blaze of celebrations. A quidditch victory prompted an all-night party, which Lily could hardly enjoy for fear that McGonagall would come to scold them and discover that Lily and Remus had closed their eyes to Sirius and James’ smuggled firewhiskey. James’ birthday had, of course, prompted all-day festivities, and Sirius earned himself a detention for the countless confetti-filled balloons that exploded throughout the castle. 

Now, three weeks later, life for the sixth-year Gryffindors seemed to have returned to its calm, even dull routine. 

 

Lily sat with Alice in Transfiguration, frantically taking notes despite her boredom. She could not afford to fall behind in this class. Something hit her left leg, and she turned in that direction, to see Caroline and Marianne at the next desk trying to stifle their giggles. Looking down, Lily saw a crumpled piece of parchment lying next to her seat: clearly a note thrown by one of them; Caroline, if she had to guess, based on the poor aim. Lily sighed and ignored the note and them, thinking that they must be mad to try and pass notes in McGonagall’s class, especially after six years of lessons with her. She tried to refocus her attention on the lecture and her notes, grateful that she was sitting with quiet and studious Alice. 

The lesson was interrupted by a hesitant knock at the door. All heads turned toward the boy now framed there. Lily vaguely recognized him as being on the quidditch team. 

“Erm,” he stammered, his eyes flitting around the room at the watching students. “Erm, e-excuse me, Professor, but, er, P-Professor Dumbledore says that, erm, th-that he needs to see James Potter...” 

All eyes in the room now turned to James, and there was no small amount of snickering and several taunting “ooooooh”s. But Lily saw the blood drain from James’ face as he stared straight ahead and caught Remus and Sirius’ exchanged glance, while Peter’s eyes grew wide. She didn’t think that this was a minor disciplinary matter. Lily turned around quickly, not wanting to stare like the rest of the class. 

“Enough!” came Professor McGonagall’s barked command, and the whispers and snickers immediately stopped. She looked at James for a moment before addressing him in a much gentler, almost sympathetic tone: “Go on then, Potter.” 

The lecture resumed, though the class’ focus had obviously been broken. Lily sat in silence with Alice, continuing her diligent notes, refusing to turn around and see how Remus, Sirius and Peter were reacting to James’ departure. She could hear Marianne and Caroline hissing at her, but did not acknowledge them, even when they lost themselves ten house points apiece for their whispering. 

 

James had not returned by dinner that evening, and the entire castle was abuzz with the news that he had been called out of class to go to Dumbledore’s office. There seemed to be no other topic of conversation at the Gryffindor table, and Lily was avoiding it with great difficulty. She did not want to be a gossiper, even about James Potter, especially since her glances toward the other three Marauders had only further confirmed her initial impression that this was not a laughing matter: 

Sirius sat in brooding silence, pushing food around on his plate, but not really eating anything. Remus’ forehead rested on his hands, his eyes closed, as if he had a headache. Peter seemed to be on edge, anxious, perhaps waiting for something to happen, as he glanced around the hall, looking rather lost. Lily wondered if the whole hall had gone blind to be ignoring their demeanor; a simple detention, or even two or three, would not have caused such a reaction... 

“Do you think he could have been expelled?” Caroline whispered conspiratorially. 

Lily rolled her eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous,” she admonished her. “And must we all gossip about it? What if something is really wrong?” 

“What do you care? You hate James Potter; you’d love to see him expelled!” remarked Marianne, rather callously. 

“No I wouldn’t!” Lily exclaimed, outraged. “I may not get on like a house on fire with him, but I don’t hate him, and I wouldn’t love to see him expelled, and I certainly hope that nothing bad has happened for him! I’m not a vindictive bitch, Marianne,” she added, a bit on the defensive now. 

Marianne raised her eyebrows at her plate. 

“I’m _not_!” Lily insisted, her temper rising now. 

“We know you’re not a vindictive bitch, Lily,” Caroline said placatingly. “And no one is trying to say that you are,” she added, throwing a dark look at Marianne. 

“Anyway,” Marianne continued, ignoring Caroline’s glare, “I really doubt that Dumbledore would throw James Potter, of all people, out of school. Dumbledore loves him no matter how much trouble he causes!” 

“Have they been up to something, Lily?” Caroline asked, back in gossip mode. 

Lily glared at her for a moment before responding. “First of all,” she began dryly, “don’t you think that if they had pulled a prank, the whole school would know about it? And secondly, as I have pointed out before, the fact that I am friendly with some of them does not make me privy to all of their plans.”

Caroline and Marianne stared back at her as she finished, then turned to each other, completely ignoring Lily’s comments. 

“Well, the last thing they did was those balloons on James’ birthday,” prattled Marianne. “That’s been, what, three weeks? I wouldn’t be surprised if they were up to something else, and maybe the teachers got wind of it before it actually happened...” 

Lily rolled her eyes again and tuned out their conversation. 

 

*******

 

James did not return the next day, or the day after that. The curious and teasing gossip had given way to worried whispers, but no one was sharing any real information. Lily had refused to ask Remus or Sirius about situation, despite repeated entreaties from Marianne and Caroline. 

On the morning of the third day of James’ absence, Lily sat at breakfast with Alice and Benjy as usual, listening to Benjy tease Alice about an interview Frank had given about a new Auror report. 

“Ooh, Frankie dearest is going to be in the paper!” he tittered, waving his hands in mock excitement. “Do you think there’ll be a picture as well?”

Alice was attempting to glare at him through her smirk, and failing miserably. “Shut it,” she managed to get out, though it just made Benjy laugh harder. 

“I bet Mrs. Longbottom cuts the article out and frames it,” he continued, chuckling now. “Can’t you just picture her bringing it out when your parents are over for lunch next week?” 

“Don’t remind me,” groaned Alice, a real frown on her face now. 

Benjy raised his eyebrows, but his response stalled when Lily turned to watch Sirius, Remus and Peter enter the Great Hall. 

“Don’t look good, those three, do they?” Benjy muttered, shaking his head concernedly. 

“If they’re this bad, I can’t imagine how James must be doing,” added Alice. 

Lily said nothing. 

“I bet it’s his mum,” Benjy sighed after a pause. 

“But I thought she was better,” Alice replied, somewhere between a question and a statement. 

“I don’t know; you’re the one whose mum works at St. Mungo’s...”

Alice glared at him. “You know she can’t talk about patients.”

“Is his mum sick, then?” Lily interjected, but backtracked as soon as their eyes turned to her. “Never mind, it’s really none of my business.” 

Benjy gave her a pointed look. “No one is gossiping here, Lily, including you. We’re just concerned.”

“His mum got really sick a few months ago,” Alice explained quietly, with a quick glance over at the Marauders. “She spent some time in St. Mungo’s, then she seemed to be getting better, but I don’t know; maybe she’s worse again.” 

Benjy shook his head again. “The Potters are pretty old, you know, relatively speaking.” Lily didn’t know. “I mean, to have a kid still in school and all. Much older than any of our parents. And you are more susceptible to illnesses and such as you get older...” 

Lily didn’t know what to say. The whole situation was starting to feel uncomfortably close to home for her. 

 

She glanced back to the three Marauders, just in time to see Peter smack Remus’ arm, nodding his head up toward the ceiling of the Great Hall. Lily followed his gaze and saw the post owls swooping into the room. She watched their progress across the hall, as did the boys, until a large tawny owl dropped a letter in front of them. No one moved to open it: Sirius was staring at it as if it might explode, Remus’ brow furrowed with worry, and Peter’s eyes moved apprehensively back and forth between the other two. 

Finally, Sirius picked up the letter and opened it gingerly, his eyes traveling quickly over the parchment. Lily watched his eyes close as he finished reading, and saw a small spasm of an indiscernible expression pass over his face before he tossed the letter across the table to Remus and Peter, then rested his head in his hands, covering his face. Remus’ hand moved to the lower part of his face as he and Peter read the letter, his fingers nervously passing over and over his lips and chin. He looked up at Sirius for a moment before returning his gaze to the table. The letter crumpled as he clutched it tightly in his hand. Peter’s face was strangely blank, as if he had just been clubbed over the head, but he blinked repeatedly as his eyes darted to the table, the floor, across the room, anywhere but back at the letter. 

 

“Doesn’t look good,” Benjy’s murmur cut in, his _Daily Prophet_ barely unfolded beside him. 

Lily shook her head. 

“I hope everything will be alright,” whispered Alice. 

Professor McGonagall was now striding across the room, clearly headed for the Gryffindor table. Lily heard Sirius’ shaky breath in as Professor McGonagall stopped beside him and addressed the boys in an undertone. After a moment, they followed her out of the hall. 

 

Lily left the Great Hall some ten minutes later, without waiting for Caroline and Marianne to appear, and was headed upstairs toward her first class when a familiar voice stopped her. 

“Lily,” Remus called down the corridor. 

She turned around and watched him approach. His face was troubled, and he seemed to not know how to say whatever it was that he wanted to tell her. 

“You’re leaving, aren’t you?” Lily asked gently, breaking his silence. 

He nodded. “It’s James,” he murmured. “His mum... She-she’s been sick for a while – that’s why he left – and we-we just heard that last night...” His voice faltered. “Last night... she died...” 

Lily could only look up at him, feeling suddenly ill, as though her stomach had dropped to her toes. 

“Look, Lily, I’m sorry to ask you to deal with stupid nonsense things,” he continued a bit hesitantly, “but we’re supposed to have patrols tonight, and I...”

“I know,” Lily interrupted, finding her voice at last. “It’s okay; I’ll take care of it, and anything else you need, too. You take care of yourself and your friends.” 

His hand caressed her shoulder before sliding down to hold her hand. “Thanks, Lily,” he whispered. 

She nodded back at him, squeezing his hand in hers, before he turned and headed back down the hallway, leaving her alone in the corridor. 

 

*******

 

The rest of the day was torture for Lily. Of course no one could ignore the absence of all four Marauders, and the news that James Potter’s mother had passed away spread like wildfire through the school. Lily tried to block out the now-sympathetic, even pitying gossip, but it was to no avail. 

Sorting out her own feelings on the topic was proving to be nearly impossible as well. Lily wondered vaguely as she sat listening to the endless whispers at dinner if this awful atmosphere was anything like how it had been when she had left for her father’s funeral. She sighed. James’ situation was bringing back uncomfortable memories of her own loss. Indeed, Caroline and Marianne had spent all day throwing her sideways glances and casual questions to try and assess how she was handling everything. 

It was for that reason that Lily had separated herself from her friends, and instead found herself sitting with Alice, Benjy and some assorted fifth-years. They, in contrast to the rest of the Great Hall, had managed to find a topic of conversation that did not include the words “poor James”. 

 

“Lily Evans!” called an irritated voice. 

They and one other person, apparently. 

“Lily, what is this all about?” cried Emmeline Vance, approaching the Gryffindor table and waving the piece of parchment in her hand. “You can’t just have last-minute changes to the patrol schedule like this! This is exactly the reason why I decided that we needed to have prior approval for switches! I’m surprised at you, Lily; I didn’t expect you to be someone who would break the rules!” 

Lily rolled her eyes and wiped her hand across her face. She had found the Hufflepuff prefects earlier in the day and arranged to switch patrol times with them without consulting the Head Girl first – a move that only would have over-complicated the issue; she had instead simply sent Emmeline a note alerting her as to the switch. Now, she wished that she had not told her at all. 

“Remus is gone, Emmeline,” she explained as calmly as she could. “It was a last-minute thing; there were no other options.” 

“What do you mean he’s gone?” Emmeline asked sharply. “He’s not here? Left school?” 

“Yes,” Lily replied slowly, as if talking to a small child. “Did you happen to read the note?” she couldn’t help adding. 

“Of course I read the note,” Emmeline snapped. “Well, he can’t just leave school; that’s ridiculous!”

“Actually,” Lily retorted, not bothering to hide her sarcasm, “I think you’ll find that he can, as Dumbledore gave him permission, and, last time I checked, his authority still trumped yours...” 

Emmeline glared at Lily. “Then it was very irresponsible of you both to not inform me earlier that you needed to change the schedule.” 

Lily stared at her in disbelief. “Are you _mad_?” she cried. “Do you have any idea what has happened? Have you opened your ears even once today? Someone has _died_ , Emmeline! Someone is dead! Show some compassion! There are more important things in life than the damn patrol schedule! Get over yourself!” 

Emmeline’s eyes narrowed slightly as she glared back at Lily, but her stance shifted in what Lily hoped was guilt. The nearby Gryffindor students had all stopped eating, and were watching the exchange. Emmeline glanced at the staring students on either side before glaring at Lily one more time. She opened her mouth as if to speak, but then apparently thought better of it, and simply turned on her heel and flounced away without a word. 

Lily stood up and left the table herself, despite the many eyes following her, having heard more than enough gossip and insensitivity for one day. Why was it that no one seemed to know how to act when someone died? Why was there seemingly no middle ground between the gossipers and the Emmelines? Lily knew why: most people had never been close to death as she had. The world did not stop in its tracks – much as those experiencing loss might wish it to, and yet life could not be expected to continue exactly as normal. Concessions must be made, not in pity, not to coddle, not to patronize, but out of respect. 

Lily sighed as she entered the empty Gryffindor common room. Who could have predicted that she would ever feel such frustration and even anger with the way that James Potter was being treated? And who could have known that she would be the only person able to express what he probably needed at this point: empathy... 

 

*******

 

After another day filled with hushed whispers and speculative, if sympathetic gossip, the Gryffindors had returned from dinner to find all four Marauders sitting in the common room. The air was becoming increasingly oppressive as the evening dragged on, and Lily wondered why anyone in the room was bothering with the pretense that they were working. She was getting nothing accomplished, and she seemed to be the only person not paying attention to the silent scene in front of the fire. 

One glance as she entered told her all she needed to know: James was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands, staring at the floor; Sirius sat on the floor leaning against the couch, a quill in his hand and parchment next to him, but he simply watched the fire; Remus and Peter both had books out, but Lily doubted they were having any more success with their homework than she was. 

 

Hours later, Lily continued to stare at the same page of her Potions book, her mind far away. She remembered the agony of returning to school after her father’s death: the feeling that life could not possibly continue as normal; she could not possibly be expected to care about schoolwork. But it had. And she had forced herself to focus on that schoolwork rather than on the pain that gnawed at her. Petunia had dealt with her pain by lashing out at Lily. Her mother had been destroyed by that pain; it had consumed her from the inside out, leaving her recognizable by outward appearance only. 

Lily had managed to force the pain and emotion surrounding her father’s death into a small corner of her mind, burying it as deep as possible, but as she sat staring at her abandoned homework, she realized for the first time that burying was not defeating, and that no barrier was impassible for such emotions. The palpable waves of pain that she could feel radiating from James seemed to be calling her own pain out of hiding, bringing it closer to the surface than she had ever allowed it to reach. The page blurred in front of her as Lily tried to hold back her tears. 

 

More time passed. Students trickled out of the common room and up the dormitory stairs, but still Lily sat at her table. She barely heard Marianne and Caroline’s departure. Eventually, only Lily and the four Marauders remained in the common room. She looked toward the fire when she heard them stirring. 

Sirius was on his feet; Remus and Peter were packing books away, but James had not moved. Lily watched as Sirius moved to stand in front of James and lightly ruffled his hair. 

“We’re heading to bed, Prongs,” he murmured. 

James did not acknowledge him. 

“James,” Sirius said a little louder, placing his hand on James’ shoulder. Lily could not remember the last time she heard any of them address each other by their real names. “You do need to sleep, you know...”

James looked up at him this time, and gave the tiniest of nods, but still did not speak or get up. 

Sirius regarded him for a moment longer before patting James’ arm gently and moving toward the dormitory stairs. Remus and Peter followed suit, Remus pausing to squeeze James’ shoulder as he passed, and all three boys headed upstairs, leaving Lily alone in the common room with James. 

As Lily watched them, she could not help but feel jealous yet again of their camaraderie, their ability to understand each other without words, their mutual respect. There had been no coddling, no coaxing, no patronizing, just a gentle reminder that James still did need to take care of himself despite everything he was feeling. They had respected his space and his silence, something Lily was still waiting to receive from her own friends...

 

James still did not move after the others left, but sat staring into the fire, his hands in his lap, while Lily watched him from across the room. She knew how much he was hurting; how devastating and agonizing and _unfair_ losing a parent was, and even though this was _James Potter_ of all people, her heart still broke for him. She would not wish that pain on anyone, even her worst enemy. 

Lily’s eyes burned as she quietly crossed the room and sat on the couch beside him. He glanced warily at her as she sat down, but she did not look at him; she just took his hand and gently held it in both of her own, staring straight ahead. When she did not speak, he turned his gaze back to the fire, but squeezed her hand, in what Lily hoped was gratitude for her presence. 

He had probably expected an “I’m sorry” speech from her, she reflected, but she knew only too well that he did not need to hear empty words, however well-intentioned. She suspected that he had probably heard far too many already at the funeral, and she knew they would begin pouring in from students tomorrow, if they had not started already. Lily could not even begin to count the number of now-nameless and faceless apologies she had received when her father had died. They had been well-meaning of course – what else is there to say when someone has suffered a loss? But “sorry” never eased the pain, never helped her move forward; instead it became an annoyance, feeling almost insensitive – a constant reminder that no one could understand what she was going through... 

She heard James take a shaky breath in, and turned toward him to hear the last two words she had ever expected to come out of his mouth. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Still, he did not look at her. 

“What?” she whispered, completely taken aback.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated. “Sorry I didn’t say more, sorry I didn’t say less, sorry I didn’t do something rather than just say the stupid words and-and try to...” His voice was shaking, and she could tell he was losing the battle with his tears. “I didn’t know; I didn’t understand...” 

“I know,” Lily responded softly, caressing his hand within her own. “I wish you didn’t have to know; I wish you didn’t have to understand.” Her own tears were threatening to take over. 

He suddenly pulled his hand from hers, covering his face as he began to cry: gasping, unpracticed sobs that spoke volumes as to his agony, desperation, confusion. Lily could feel the tears pouring down her cheeks as well as she moved closer to him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and rubbing gently across his arms and back. 

After a moment he turned and pulled her into his arms. Lily found herself sitting rather awkwardly in his lap, his head buried in her shoulder, and her own head resting against his hair. His hands clutched at her back, squeezing her waist tightly, and hers combed through his hair and moved across his shoulders as they cried together, no longer Lily Evans and James Potter: life-long enemies, just two people finding solace in shared grief. 

 

The room grew silent once again as they both quieted, though neither seemed to want to break their embrace. James’ glasses were smudged and smeared when he finally raised his head, and Lily managed a small smile as she removed them and placed them in her lap. Her hands moved to his face and began to gently wipe away his tears, and he returned the favor, comforting her as much as she was trying to comfort him. Lily cleaned his streaked glasses on her robes before replacing them on his face and running her fingers through his perpetually messy hair. His eyes closed. 

“You should get some sleep,” she whispered. 

He nodded as she stood up off of his lap, and she had to smile when he simply laid down on the couch. 

Lily walked back to the table where she had left her books so long ago and retrieved her wand, summoning his pillow and blankets from his dormitory and carrying them back to the couch, where he was already half-asleep. She gently placed the pillow beneath his head and removed his glasses once again, placing them on a nearby table, before covering him with the blankets, tucking him in carefully as if he were a baby. 

She turned away to head up to her own dormitory, but was stopped by his hand on her arm. 

“Stay,” he whispered, his eyes pleading. 

Lily considered him for a moment before nodding in agreement. 

She climbed beneath the blankets to lie beside him on the cramped couch and felt his arms encircle her, clinging to her tightly as he fell asleep, just as a child sleeping in a strange room clings to a familiar toy. 

 

Lily woke to the first rays of sunlight playing across her face. James was still asleep beside her, his arms around her waist and his face buried in her hair. She turned slowly in his arms, looking into his sleeping face. Despite her swollen eyes, she felt calm, strangely at peace with her emotions and this odd situation. A line had clearly been crossed with James last night. Where they would go from here, Lily was not sure, but she was sure that there was no going back. 

James stirred as he woke, squinting at her through puffy, red eyes. For a few moments, they regarded each other in comfortable silence, so different from last night, before James’ hand came up to gently caress her face, fingers running through her long hair. 

“Lily,” he murmured. She had never been ‘Lily’ to him before. “Thanks.” 

She smiled slightly, trying to read all of the mixed emotions in his gaze and voice: the agony of last night seemed to have mellowed to sadness, which was, of course, still prevalent, but there was also gratitude, confusion, and even vulnerability. Her own hand moved to his face, brushing his wild hair out of his eyes. 

“Anytime, James,” she whispered. 

And she meant it. As his arms pulled her into a tight embrace, she reflected that they seemed to have finally found some common ground, however unfortunate. They had met here, at rock bottom, and there was no place to go but up. She was ready to move forward, ready to actually deal with the emotions surrounding her father’s death, instead of just burying them again. She was ready to be able to think of her father, to remember him without the pain getting in the way. She was ready to grieve, something she had never really allowed herself to do. 

Lily could feel James’ slow, even breaths against her neck, and she closed her eyes, pulling him even closer. Maybe this would be the end of her petty feuding with James Potter. Maybe here, with him, in the unlikeliest of places, she would finally find the support that she needed and had never received. Maybe in the midst of their losses, they could find each other. 

Lily was ready for that, too. 

 

 


	9. A New Leaf?

A/N:  So...  Does anyone remember this story?  Apparently it's been almost a year since I updated...  Sorry about that.  Real life, new job and all that...  I haven't quite given up on this story yet, though.  This is a short chapter, but I hope to have more coming soon.  Thanks for still reading and reviewing after all this time!  

______________________________________________________________________________ 

 

Lily sat absently stirring her cereal at breakfast. She didn’t even really like cereal; she didn’t know what has possessed her to choose it this morning. 

“Are you alright?” Alice asked, rather tentatively. 

“Of course I’m alright!” snapped Lily. 

“Don’t give me that, Lily,” Alice chided. “I’m not an idiot; I know you didn’t come back last night, and we can all see that you’re not yourself this morning. It may be none of our business where you were, but we are allowed to worry.” 

Lily didn’t look at her, but continued to stare down at her cereal. 

“You do rather look like hell this morning,” Benjy remarked softly. 

Lily raised her head enough to give him a dirty look. 

“It’s not like you to be out all night, Lily,” he gently pressed. “Are you sure you’re alright?” 

There was a pause. 

Lily cleared her throat. “I was up with James last night... Potter...” she murmured to her cereal. 

She knew that Alice and Benjy had exchanged looks, though her gaze remained fixed on the bowl in front of her. 

“So, er, a ‘no’ on the ‘alright’ question, then?” Benjy asked. 

Lily looked up at him and managed a small smile as he reached across the table to take her hand. 

“You’re a good sort, Lily,” he whispered, smiling back at her. 

She squeezed his hand in response, but withdrew her own hand as Marianne and Caroline entered the Hall. 

“Lily, you look awful,” Marianne commented casually, as she sat down on Lily’s left. 

“Good morning to you too,” Lily muttered dryly. 

“How late were you up anyway?” continued Marianne, sounding a little more concerned. “You did come back, didn’t you? Because I certainly didn’t hear you come in.” 

“Of course I came back!” Lily retorted, trying to scoff at the question, and hoping she wasn’t blushing. “You were just too busy snoring to hear.” 

Caroline giggled. 

“Excuse me? I do not snore!” Marianne snapped. “Caroline’s the one who snores.” 

Caroline’s giggles faded to a huff. 

“Actually, you both snore,” interjected Alice, earning herself two dirty looks. “And that’s probably why neither of you heard Lily come in last night; you both sleep like logs. She dropped two textbooks and neither of you moved.” 

There was a pause, in which Marianne continued to glare at Alice and Lily – and Benjy by association – and Caroline, whose thoughts were clearly elsewhere, glanced around the room expectantly. 

After a moment, Caroline gasped with an excited squeak, startling them all. She grinned and waved in the general direction of the Hufflepuff table, then quickly gathered her things. 

“See you later, girls,” she called, beaming at them over her shoulder. 

Benjy coughed pointedly, but she ignored him. 

Marianne aimed yet another glare at Caroline’s back, before turning to Lily. 

“So what are you doing up so early if you had such a late night?” she asked, her voice heading towards that coddling tone that Lily hated so much. 

“Work,” Lily answered dully. “Lots and lots of work.”

“Didn’t you get it done last night?” Marianne countered. “Isn’t that why you were up so late?”

“Lily,” Alice cut in, “if you still want to look at that Arithmancy before class, we had better get going...”

“Yes, we should,” Lily agreed, thankful for the interruption, as she stood up and left the Great Hall with Alice. She felt a slight pang of guilt at again lying so blatantly to Marianne and Caroline – and for being so grateful to Alice for lying for her - but what had happened with James had been very private, and she wished to keep it that way, for both of their sakes. Lily knew that her actions only served to widen the gap that seemed to be growing between her and her friends, but after more than two years of trying to isolate this part of her life from them, she was of no mind to suddenly open that door. 

 

*******

 

The morning dragged on interminably. The charged silence in Potions made Lily want to scream. Transfiguration, thankfully, proceeded much as normal; Professor McGonagall was never one to let anything disrupt her teaching, but again, the room was unsettlingly quiet. 

Lily sat in the library after lunch, trying in vain to finish her Arithmancy essay. A night with hardly any sleep was certainly not helping her mediocre-at-best Arithmancy skills; she was frustrated and tired, and could feel the beginning of a headache coming on. 

She felt rather than heard him come up to the table where she sat. He hovered awkwardly there for maybe thirty seconds before she looked up and acknowledged his presence. 

“H-Hi,” he whispered, his voice shaking. 

“Hi,” Lily murmured back. 

He just stared at her for a long moment, looking much worse for wear than she did after their sleepless night. 

“M-May I?” he stammered, gesturing towards the nearest chair. 

“Of course, James,” she replied gently. 

She watched him sit and stare at his hands clasped on the table. Deciding that he wanted to simply sit in silence, rather than talk, Lily looked back to her essay. 

“How can you just sit there?” James exclaimed after a pause. “How can you stand to just sit there and do schoolwork?” 

Lily sighed and looked up at him. He was still staring at his hands, which were clenched so tightly that his knuckles were white. “Life goes on, James,” she said simply. “I know it’s hard. As much as we would like it to stop and wait for us to catch up, it won’t. We have to keep moving forward...”

She could almost hear the conversations from so long ago:

_“What do you mean you’re going to go back to school? You’re just going to leave us here – again – to deal with all of this while you escape to your stupid school?”_

_“Lily, darling, wouldn’t you like to spend some time at home with us? You could take a couple of months away from school – no one would blame you – and then go back after the holidays...”_

She knew now that her actions had been right, even if her motivations were not...

“You wouldn’t want to be at home, James,” she continued gently. “It wouldn’t make it any easier. There’s more to do here; more to take your mind off of everything...”

“I don’t want to take my mind off of it!” he snapped, his voice cracking. He raised his hands to his face and rubbed his eyes behind his glasses. 

Lily watched him in silence again. “Do you want to go for a walk?” she murmured. 

“You’re working,” James replied, moving his hands back to the table. 

“Not anymore,” she said with a wry smile, gathering her books and standing up. 

 

He followed her - rather like a lost puppy, she thought - as she exited the library and started aimlessly down the corridor. She sighed. It had been easy to lie on a sun-dappled couch on a bright morning and believe that things could get better, that she could deal with this, that she could help him deal with this... In reality, of course, things were not so simple. One day was much like another, and the familiarity of daily routine so frequently won out over the effort required for change. Two and a half years of hidden emotions and unhealthy avoidance could not be erased by good intention alone... 

 

“Does it ever get any easier?” James asked suddenly, echoing her thoughts. 

Lily glanced over at him: he was staring at the floor in front of his feet as they walked, his hands twisting restlessly in his robes. 

“I don’t know,” she answered in a whisper. 

She knew that his head had whipped around to look at her. “Some things do, some things don’t,” she continued. “Grief comes in waves – you can be fine one moment, and far from it the next... But I don’t know that I’m a very good person to ask... I haven’t exactly dealt with...with my father’s death in the best way...” 

“There’s a good way to deal with this?” he murmured with a hint of dryness. 

Lily smiled. “Touché.” It seemed an odd thing to say to James Potter. 

 

There was silence for several minutes as they continued to wander through the castle. James fidgeted beside her, seeming both nervous and uncomfortable. His calm of early this morning had clearly dissolved. 

Finally, he spoke: “Do-do you...” He trailed off and started again. “Y-You do re-remember your father, d-don’t you?” he stammered, as if afraid of the answer. 

Lily turned to face him more fully. “Of course I do, James,” she said gently, but firmly, wanting both to cry and smile at his fear. 

“W-We had a cat; it died when I was seven,” James continued, speaking very fast. “And, and I can hardly remember it now...” 

“James,” she cut in. He was staring at the floor again, biting his lip, and she could tell he was trying not to cry. “This is your mother we’re talking about,” she insisted softly. “You won’t forget her.” She paused, and could feel tears welling up in her own eyes. “Yes, there may be details that slip away as time goes on, but you’ll never forget her face, or the sound of her voice, or how it felt to have her arms around you, to have her tell you that she loved you... The important things, the best memories, will always be there.” 

He nodded, though whether in acceptance or understanding or just to have something to do, Lily wasn’t sure. 

“W-Will you tell me?” he whispered. “About your dad?” 

Again, Lily turned to look at him, and again she found his eyes pointed at the floor. She considered his oh-so-familiar profile: the long nose and thin cheeks, the half-lidded eyes always distorted by the thick glasses, and above all, the shock of messy black hair... Yes, the image was familiar, but this was certainly not the James Potter that she knew; he was humble and flawed and vulnerable, and James Potter was none of those things. James Potter was surrounded by arrogant and witty walls that repelled criticism and mocked emotional candor.

And it was a large leap to go from catching a glimpse of what might be behind all of that to being asked to lower her own walls... 

James turned suddenly and met her gaze. “Tell me,” he repeated. “Please, Lily...” 

What to say? She simply did not talk about it. Her best friends did not know the whole story. How could she share it with him – with James Potter? Someone who, after all that had occurred between them, had no right to ask her such a question... 

Sirius’ voice suddenly echoed in her mind: _“I thought you were actually going to go with the ‘starting over’ thing...”_ And she saw Remus’ gentle smile as he handed her a butterbeer, squeezed her hand a little tighter, laughed at a lame joke she made – any one of a number of small things that had just simply been what she had needed... 

She stared back into the wide hazel eyes that still held her own. After a moment she lowered her gaze, watching the floor herself now. 

Talking made it real. Of course she knew that it was, but talking about it somehow solidified things. Talking meant admitting that not a day went by that she didn’t miss him, that his death had broken her family – and broken a part of her, that every night, a small corner of her mind went to sleep hoping that it was all a horrid dream, and she would wake up to hear his bright laughter...

But wasn’t this exactly what she had felt so ready to change last night? Wasn’t this what dealing with everything entailed? She glanced back over at James. And wasn’t this what he needed right now? 

Lily sighed. 

“I was always very close to my father,” she began softly. “I was definitely ‘daddy’s little girl.’ He was funny and bright, and just such a happy person. He could make us laugh through anything; I remember when I seven I fell out of a tree and broke my arm, and I was crying and crying because it hurt so much, but my dad picked up two of my stuffed animals and made them talk in funny voices and act out some ridiculous scene, and I was laughing so hard I didn’t even feel the doctor set my arm. He was like a child himself in some ways – he loved Christmas, and he would go to such lengths to hide our presents and give us outlandish hints as to what they were and where they were hidden. And he was just so kind and gentle and sweet. Everyone who met him loved him; it was impossible not to.” 

“What happened?” whispered James. 

Lily paused again. “He got sick,” she murmured. “It seemed like nothing at first – he started getting headaches, and then they got worse, and he was getting them all the time, and he started having trouble with his eyes... And it turned out to be cancer.” 

“Turned out to be what?” James asked. 

“Cancer,” Lily repeated, turning to look at him. “He had a brain tumor.” 

“A brain what?” 

Lily sighed at the look on James’ face. “He had a brain tumor. Do you not know what that is? Don’t wizards ever get cancer?” 

James shook his head. 

“Cancer is when, well... I’m not a doctor, so I don’t really know, but cancer is when something goes wrong with your body so things stop growing normally and instead grow incorrectly and attack your body, and, well...”

“Your body attacks itself?” James asked incredulously. “How awful!”

“Yes,” Lily continued, “and it happened in his brain; he had a tumor – a growth – that was, you know...”

“He had a-a growth in his brain?” James cut in, disgust evident in his tone. 

Lily closed her eyes. “Potter...” she murmured under her breath. 

Why was she doing this, again? Why exactly was she putting herself through this? So she could hear James Potter’s ignorant comments about muggle diseases? She should have known better than to expect sensitivity from him, even with everything he was going through...

“Sorry, I-I didn’t – I shouldn’t have – I-I...” James was stammering, glancing nervously over at Lily as he seemed to remember why exactly they were talking about this. “I-I... It must be awful to be a muggle – oh _damn_ , I didn’t mean that...” he amended quickly. He took a breath. “I didn’t mean that, Lily,” he repeated, a bit more calmly. “I’m sorry. Really. I only meant that-that it must have been terrible to go through that...”

Lily turned toward him, but did not respond. 

“Was it – was it very painful for-for your father?” he asked gently. 

Lily looked away again, in two minds about whether to continue or not. She felt uncomfortable and vulnerable speaking of this anyway, and James’ commentary was certainly not making her feel more at ease. But she could appreciate that his curiosity, however tactless, was helping to take his mind off of his own grief. 

“I don’t know,” she answered, in a whisper. “He never complained, never said he was in pain.” She paused. “He decided not to go through treatment, though.” 

“Why?” James asked, hesitating a bit. 

Another pause. This was the hardest part. “It would have been very unpleasant and painful for him. And his condition was terminal anyway. The treatment might have bought him a little more time, but it would have been at a price.” 

“How can they call it ‘treatment’ if it makes you worse?” 

Lily raised her eyes to his, both surprised and grateful that he had managed to get to the heart of the issue. “That’s how he felt,” she whispered. “He said he wouldn’t give up quality of life for quantity...” 

 

The words came easier now that the dam had been broken. Lily found that it was actually cleansing to speak of these difficult details that she had never shared with anyone. It felt good to finally admit that Petunia had never forgiven their father for not going through treatment and trying to fight to stay with them for as long as possible, that she had never forgiven Lily for forgiving – and even understanding - him. It felt so much better to confess that her mother had felt betrayed and abandoned by her father’s decision, to the point that she started drinking heavily - though Petunia assured Lily that that phase was long over - and now acted as though she were in complete denial of any absence or loss in her life. It was such a release to actually say out loud that she could barely stand to go home because her mother and her sister would not let her keep her happy memories of her father; their anger and hurt and bewilderment polluted those memories, as well as any hope of regaining the joy that their family had once had. 

 

Lily trailed off, and the corridor was silent once again. She felt somehow lighter, as if purged of an infection, and some part of the peace of early that morning had returned. 

James said nothing, and the silence continued. Finally, he reached out and took her hand, squeezing it gently, but still he did not speak. 

There was probably not a lot to say to all of that...

 

A classroom door slammed in a nearby corridor, and their silence was interrupted by the sound of laughing students heading toward the Great Hall for dinner. 

Lily pulled her hand from James’, feeling awkward about being jerked back to reality. James seemed to feel the same way, as his eyes were darting around the hall. 

“Well, er, shall we, erm... Erm, dinner?” he mumbled, gesturing down the hallway. 

“Er, you go ahead,” Lily stammered, not meeting his gaze. “I’m going to go back to the common room first.”

“Right,” he murmured. 

“Okay.”

“Well...”

“Yeah...”

Lily practically ran down the corridor away from him. She could feel her cheeks flaming, and her emotions felt far too close to the surface. She made it to Gryffindor tower in record time and sprinted up to her dorm, opening the door to find Alice putting away her textbooks. They stared at each other in silence for a few seconds before Alice crossed to the door, offering Lily a small sympathetic smile as she exited the room. 

Lily still stood in the same place, her breaths beginning to come in gasps as her tears rose closer to the surface. She heard doors to three other dormitories close and laughter on the stairs as the other Gryffindors made their way to dinner. Finally, she gave into the sobs that already shook her body and collapsed to her knees, letting herself truly grieve at last for the loss of her father, for her broken family, for her frustration with her friends...  And for the fact that after two and a half years, James Potter was the only person she could talk to about it... 


End file.
